Consonants and Vowels...

Today, I awoke refreshed, even before the alarm went off.  This is surprising as my wonderful family was up making noise past 11 and I got very little sleep! :(

But, now... I am exhausted again.  I have just gotten over the flu.  H1N1, no doubt.  Fever, chills, cough, vomiting, etc... It has lasted 5 days.  I don't have a fever so far today... But, I am wiped out.

I am having a Samhain ritual at my house tonight, approx 8 people are coming. I am excited, but at this moment... Want to go to sleep.  Badly.

Soon, we celebrate Samhain. The word means” summers end” The wheel turns as we glide into the dark… the cold. The colorful leaves dance in the cool, fragrant autumn breeze as the golden sun shine glitters. The days from here continue to grow shorter, the nights longer as the sun departs slowly to leave us in the cold. The last of the harvests. In more ancient times, we would be rushing to finish bringing in the last of our harvests, packing away and storing food for the long, cold winter to follow. Gathering wood for fires to keep us warm, fiber to keep our bodies warm.. This was extremely hard work and as we know, mother nature can be unpredictable so a sense of rush to get the harvest in and be ready for the cold. Samhain was then a celebration that the last of the harvests were in, that they were ready for the coming weather and it was a time of relaxation and rest.

The veil between our world and the spirit world has grown thin at this time. Allowing us to reach out to the ancestors who have passed before us. As we look at the passing of the sun and the warmth, we acknowledge the turning of the wheel and the passing of the seasons as well as the progression and passing of our own lives. That wheel spins regardless of whether we stop to acknowledge it.

This is yet another time for introspection… Looking within as well as without. Where are you? What have we done with our lives, where are we going? Are we happy? What do we “need “ to be happy. Where do we “want” out lives to go? Who do we want to be? In looking forward to the fall and winter… Instead of preparing our harvest… We look at things according to modern times…. What do we need to do to prepare ourselves…

Imagine, if you will a pantry cupboard. Bare, empty. Now, imagine you are that cupboard. What have you placed inside yourself? What do you hold dear? What things do you need to clear out of there in order to be “Ready”… What do you need to harvest?

A few months ago, I felt as if someone had pulled a rug out from underneath me... No hopes, No dreams... The last few weeks, I have felt this building strength inside... And, now, my hope is returning... bit by bit... It may be just a glimmer... But, it is something!

My muse... is back.

Gebo

Ansuz

Nauthiz


Yikes... Am I in for a ride! :)

Gebo means gift... well, I see it as a gift for a gift normally- Almost like a karmic present- "What goes around comes around..." While it also represents relationships, unions.. etc. In relation to that, I believe when Gebo is drawn in regards to a relationship issue- which it was... It means that it is hard to undo- As Gebo cannot be reversed... However-

Combine that with Ansuz- the intuition I feel, the spoken word of my Gods, The voice of reason which is whispered on the wind... Yes, I am listening an paying close attention. I am seeing many things and clarity in this situation is sad and scary yet liberating as well.

And Nauthiz- That's a loaded rune for me... But, I see it today. It's tricky. Nauthiz can be a negative rune and stand for loss and sorrow. It can also stand for repeated mistakes- a lesson that has gone unlearned. It could mean many things. Things that I am not maybe ready to heed. But, what I see form this today is this: There are things in life that I need. That the kids NEED. Not wants. I am NOT a material person contrary to popular belief. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the finer things to an extent, but I don't expect to be covered in jewels, and designer clothing. But, I do need to feel loved. I need some stimulation- no, not sexual- but, intellectual. I need to be surrounded by something positive in my life, to feel alive, not as a withering autumn leaf... I feel dead inside- my heart lays still awaiting a miracle to revive it. My children, lifeless... I see it in their eyes... I need to be able to pay my bills and not see my hard worked money tossed out the window without a care- I have worked hard to find the career I have. I have met my goals professionally, and I am trying to be an example to my kids... I need to feel as if I have more of an equal instead of someone who wishes to ride my coat tails and is perfectly happy unemployed living off of the help of others... Wow, That's alot of need. There are times, I feel like a vacuum- an empty vacuum- void of alot of what I "need".

So, today has been an interesting day. Hubby apologizing up and down for what and arse he has been...

State is in our building for their annual inspection. Nerve wracking, but it seems to be going well... They plan on exiting tomorrow.

Just in time for me to leave for Chicago!! We are taking Colin to see a Cubs game. Staying at the Palmer House Hilton for 70 bucks a night! :) Good Ol Priceline! I am excited. Getting my hair cut tonight and taking off tomorrow! Plan on lots of pics!!! :)

My husband worked 8 days in a row last week. 12 hour shifts, so he worked and slept. I BARELY saw him. So he exclaims that Sat night is a date night and he wants to go for dinner because he misses me. I was excited. I got "gussied" up and waited for him to be ready. We left the house early because we needed to run some errands, I needed a new pair of sun glasses, mine were ruined, and prescriptions... We took the jeep with the top off and it started out great. He tells me he had this awesome dream that we went to best buy and bought him new desktop computer. I chortled. I know this is not a possibility financially and furthermore, who just goes and buys a computer for no reason. I have spent hundreds of dollars fixing up the computer we have as he requested each item, new keyboard, mouse, monitor, even a 150 dollar video card, new sound card... Anyway, I didn't say much when he mentioned his dream. I was thinking instead of dinner and our night together. He pulls in to best buy. Says he needs a new ipod transmitter for his Jeep... The other one works fine but doesn't charge his iPod, so I tell him he should charge it at home every night then and we move along, then he is staring at the computers. Seriously. I think he has lost it. We are planning a vacation trip to Chicago next weekend which is going to cost us, I have yet to buy back to school clothes for the boys, and I have bills to pay. He has no concept of where money goes. Said he checked our bank balance and we have enough... I had to say no, he began to pout as a child. He moved on down the aisle where he began begging for a mouse for the computer which cost 150 bucks... I politely explained that we have two at home that work just fine. I swear he stomped his foot and said "FINE, let's just go then". I was aghast. I followed him to the Jeep and he continued pouting. Would not talk to me except to say that I have been spending money and it is not fair that he doesn't get to buy something.... ? I went to the eye Dr 6 months late and got glasses and contacts, I bought Colin a new pair of shoes because his were falling apart, I spoiled myself and bought some shower gel instead of using his deodorant soap, OH and I did buy 2 pairs of khakis for work as I had only one pair of nice ones and since I was promoted thought I should look nice. AND I bought a Harry Potter book, which I have already finished.. :) I guess I did buy stuff, He bought a new shirt, a new iPod case, and 2 movies.... AND we went out o the movies at is request and out for dinner with the family which was an expensive excursion. Anyway, none of this matters. He is acting like a child, barely spoke at dinner and then ended up yelling, screaming at the kids last night, hauled off and hit Colin... and I think all of this stemmed from the fact that he didn't get what he wanted. Funny thing was, I thought he "wanted" me. To spend time with "me"...I suppose I was wrong.

I should have gone out with the girls instead. Now I understand why Michele was so persistent... :)

Every month, I am fascinated by the effects that the full moon has on civilization. I work in an assisted living community and the residents and families seem more demanding and harder to redirect... Behaviors in our dementia community become worse.

I myself don't sleep for 3 days or so and really crave red meat. I am full of energy bordering on mania... But when I sit outside and watch the moon I am filled with this tranquil peace. Last night, I caught sight of it through misty clouds and headed outside to sit and watch it, to be at peace. I was stopped by my husband who didn't want to go outside and then became angry with me for wanting a few stolen moon moments for myself. He was off work and wants me to spend every waking second at his side... I went outside anyway, but my solace was ruined.

I did dream about it though, that was cool.