Consonants and Vowels...

As I go on my journey that is my life, I am inclined to write about experiences or feelings, share pics, recipes, ideas, oh just whatever may pop into my cluttered brain. Feel free to read and or share if you so desire...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Fairy Tales

I think I grew up believing in fairy tales and having this vast imagination, believing that all is possible.  Which is odd, due to the fact that I had an emotionally abusive father and co dependent mother and life wasn't always so grand.  I always just wanted everyone to be happy.  When everyone was happy, then there was what resembled peace in my life.  I think I got into the habit of trying very hard to please everyone else at a very young age, putting my own wants, needs, and desires aside for others.  This has carried over into my adult life and I tend to "pretend" alot.  I pretend that my life is fairy tale and I am happy at home, that I am fulfilled, that my marriage is good, that my kids are angels... I mean I suppose we all pretend on the exterior from time to time, to make a good impression, etc.  But I am talking about self deception here.  To the point of clouding my own reality.  Deluding myself.... It is frustrating.  I am not sick, I am not "delusional" per say, because I know I am doing it.  It is a vicious cycle.  I am stuck.  In my own self created cyclone of lies.  If I fully admit out loud that it's a sham, where am I?

I have no life. I work, I go home.  I watch my kids sit around like their dad and watch the tv.  If I want to go for a walk, I am made to feel guilty by my husband.  Why should I want to spend time away from him?  Because he is BORING me to death...  My life is literally going to kill me.  And all I do is sit back, watch it, deny the turmoil, and allow the devastation to eat away at my heart and flesh... I am strong.  I don't know why I doubt my strength in these situations...

2 comments:

spottedwolf said...

If you fully admit your life, as it stands, is a put on.....then you are showing natural strength of character.....which implies you have the will you'll need to change your life and develop one which satisfies you. You are not alone my friend for there exist many who've trod the road you are looking at. I think its time you step forward and discover the strength which has lain dormant for too long. It may be difficult for a time but that will pass as you become used to this reclamation of under-developed aspects of yourself. The real journey in life is recognizing that real love needs to grow from within and be shared....never based on the need of others.

Lady Thorn said...

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http://minervascompetition.info

Hugs
Finder Thorn