Consonants and Vowels...

I think I grew up believing in fairy tales and having this vast imagination, believing that all is possible.  Which is odd, due to the fact that I had an emotionally abusive father and co dependent mother and life wasn't always so grand.  I always just wanted everyone to be happy.  When everyone was happy, then there was what resembled peace in my life.  I think I got into the habit of trying very hard to please everyone else at a very young age, putting my own wants, needs, and desires aside for others.  This has carried over into my adult life and I tend to "pretend" alot.  I pretend that my life is fairy tale and I am happy at home, that I am fulfilled, that my marriage is good, that my kids are angels... I mean I suppose we all pretend on the exterior from time to time, to make a good impression, etc.  But I am talking about self deception here.  To the point of clouding my own reality.  Deluding myself.... It is frustrating.  I am not sick, I am not "delusional" per say, because I know I am doing it.  It is a vicious cycle.  I am stuck.  In my own self created cyclone of lies.  If I fully admit out loud that it's a sham, where am I?

I have no life. I work, I go home.  I watch my kids sit around like their dad and watch the tv.  If I want to go for a walk, I am made to feel guilty by my husband.  Why should I want to spend time away from him?  Because he is BORING me to death...  My life is literally going to kill me.  And all I do is sit back, watch it, deny the turmoil, and allow the devastation to eat away at my heart and flesh... I am strong.  I don't know why I doubt my strength in these situations...