Consonants and Vowels...

Do you ever feel as if no matter how hard you try to to make yourself believe that your life is complete; it will never happen?  Like all the choices and mistakes you have made have led you to this final, lonely place?


I have a very good job with a great company.  It is a bit overwhelming as of this moment, but I know if I continue to hang in there, it will get better and will be the job I pictured when I took it... Or am I looking at it like I do everything else and will I just end up disappointed and feeling stupid that I put my heart and soul into something that no one else really cares about?  I feel like the company cares about me... But, I have been wrong before.  I am so naive and want to believe the good and happy in everything.  I live in a fairy tale world.  I went to a psychiatrist because I am depressed.  He told me I am not depressed, but yet- it is my life and my view of the world that is letting me down.  Said I must find the courage to be able to make myself happy instead of worrying about everyone else around me.  Actually told me to meditate and work on fixing my life and that there was no medication to help an optimist stuck in a disappointing life situation.

My marriage and family continues to disappoint me.  I have worked so hard at this thing and with little to no effort on his side of it all.  He gets angry when I call him out for leaving me so utterly alone even though he is physically right next to me.  My husband has lupus and while I understand he may not feel well ALL of the time, it is amazing to me that he can find time and energy to do the things he enjoys or wants to, but if I ask him to do one thing for me, it is forgotten or just ignored because he was ill... I am honestly more of a monetary convenience for him I think.  he isn't working and I have to support us all.... I don't know if he even begins to know me, much less love me and I feel it stabbing me in my heart every day.  I don't need a fairy tale romance, I don't need alot of money, but damn it would be so nice just to feel appreciated or that I mattered on some level. 

My kids are sweet, but they are learning his habits.  They sleep alot, lazy around, play video games, I have to beg them to play outside.  They are grouchy with me and with dad, and with each other, they complain and they feel entitled to everything for nothing.  And no matter how hard I try to break this pattern, I fail.  I am a bad mother because I have let them watch him and how he lives and now that they are growing into little men, maybe they feel this is how to act...

Sorry for the dribble... I am in a mood today and felt like venting.  My friends have little patience with the situation and tell me to leave him.  My mind and heart are the most complex I know.  It is so just not that easy.