Consonants and Vowels...

This morning as I woke up, I felt the cool autumn breeze brush against my face. I could smell the autumn incense as I stirred from my slumber. It was beautiful. I felt alive. Crisp, cool, earthen air.... As I looked outside, the trees were glorious with colors alive in reds and golds. They seemed to sing to me as I went about my routine. I turned off the radio on my way to work and enjoyed my quiet country ride that was scenic and inspiring. I stopped the car in a quiet spot, stood outside in the grass and just took a few deep breaths. Invoking all the serenity, beauty, and peace that surrounded me. I took my shoe off, grounded a bit, and went on my way. What a lovely way to start the day!

"Better to conjure alone than in bad company."

We had a discussion, the girls and I about adding people to our coven. We are small, but we work so well together. Our energies mesh and play off of each other. Where one lacks, the other has an abundance and we come out so balanced, raw, and very close to perfect. I think we should be extremely cautious. It is extremely hard in our community to find like minded witches, much less ones we can trust. We tell the girls EVERYTHING. we are very open and honest even when it hurts.

If we bring in another, it may throw us off. When we find someone worthy, we will know without a doubt. Until then, it is just the three of us.

We should all be mindful of whom we practice with. Everyone brings their own energies to the mix. Make sure they will complement your own.

Some days, I just feel so damn uninspired. I have these walls... more like fortresses I have had to erect in order to not allow drama and negativity to get at me. But it seems to find a way to seep in time and time again. Usually in the form of family. Why is it that I am the one with the most dysfunctional family in the WORLD? (okay, yea, I am feeling a wee bit sorry for myself). I have had my own share of drama and trouble in the past. But, my life has been great. Work is good, Love is awesome, kids... well, reality says that kids aren't gonna be awesome all the time, eh? But, my family is literally killing me. I have a very manipulative father who was not only emotionally abusive and unavailable when I grew up, he is an asshole that doesn't even try to see his grand kids, and tries to create drama at every turn. My sister is schizophrenic. Literally, I am not joking. And she has borderline personality disorder... There is nothing borderline about it, it is a full size pain in the arse. She just called me to let me know she had tried to nap today and couldn't so she took 9 Benadryl... Yea, I was supposed to get worked up and panic. I calmly told her to call her doctor... I get these attention seeking calls constantly and now I an getting calls from bill collectors looking for her. GREAT. My mom is addicted to pills. Pain pills, Xanax, Benadryl, anything that will alter her reality enough to make it tolerable because my fucking dad cheated on her after 25 years of marriage and left her an empty shell of a woman who latched on tho the first abusive asshole prick dickhead she could find. Now she spends her days self medicating and slurring in a slumberous stupor because she is fucking miserable and won't admit it. There. I feel a bit better. Seriously. I needed to spew that someone's way. Now, I shall go downstairs into my magick room and do some spells for prosperity and calm peace...

I hate Mondays. Colin would not get out of bed today, he actually just kept kicking me... What the hell am I supposed to do? He wouldn't get up, I was late for work, he was late for school. I feel like screaming. He finally did get out of bed after several sets of "1-2-3.." and losing a privelege. He lost everything except outside priveleges. Then he got up, stomping, and started chasing hius brother, hitting him, jumping on him. I got his attention and said that if he touched his brother again, he would lose his outside priveleges. He continued to hit him off and on. After 3 chances, I revoked outdoor priveleges. He threw a fit. Screaming, running, wailing around the house, trying to beat up his brother. We finally got off to school. The rest of the day was ok.

Today, the boys had football. Colin put on his brothers pants. He must not have looked at them or Conners were closer and he just didn't want to get up and get them. I am not sure. Anyway, we nicely asked him to trade pants, because Conners are a different size. Colin refused. Threw himself on the ground screaming, yeslling, kicking at Chad. Chad tried to help him, but he kept kicking, screaming, we had to get going or they would be late for the game, They were screaming at each other, Colin was punching, kicking, hitting, trying to bite Chad just for trying to help him take off that pants. He had several opportunities to take them off by himself, but flat out refused, just laid there WAILING, repetetive baby like crying over and over. So, it ended with Chad and I holding him down, removing the pants. I have bruises on my legs from where I was kicked... What a way to start a day.

Today is my birthday! I had a great day! I am getting an iPod for my bday from Chad, he got me a bunch of stuff, hats, a sweater, a sweatshirt. It was great. He put alot of thought into my gifts this year!

The boys fought. and fought. It was horrible in that respect. Colin can't quit pushing buttons.Poor Conner caught in the crossfire. All I do is try to be a good mom, but I seem to fail over and over. I must have crazy expectations to think that my boys could stay in the same room for 5 minutes while I change my clothes without attempts on someones life! I am so frustrated. No interventions are working. Conner is having trouble buying into not engaging with his brother in negative behavior. We are working on that. It just seems like no matter what, Colin just doesn't have to do what he doesn't want to do. If we ask him to, we are asking for a shit storm. If we don't give him what he wants, same result. It is like a cyclone, I just can't get out. I ended up sitting in the car quietly and thinking about things and I got NOWHERE. Except that maybe we need to bite the bullet and try this dietary thing. No milk, no wheat. Again, looking for trouble, that is all he eats, if I take it away, he will throw a damn tantrum.

Chad had to work tonight, I miss him. He will be off this weekend though. It shoud be awesome!

Work was good, I got suprised with a littel party by all of my dementia residents and my staff. I got some cute presents. Overall, it was a good day!

Tonight Colin tried to push me down the stairs. He jumped quickly into bed before brushing his teeth and would not get up and brush. I tried to ignore it. I decided to tell him that it was fine. He did not have to brush, but he was not allowed to sleep in my room. (He likes to sleep on my floor when Chad is gone). He screamed, blood curdling sounds and told me he WAS sleeping in my room, tried charging me with is head several times, I was standing by the stairs, he kept charging at me over and over with his head down, I tried to stop him, I tried to put my arm out and balance him out or grab him, and then he screamed that I hit him, and he tried to push me down the stairs, He couldn't understand why I was so upset with him. Then he hit his brother for trying to help me. He got angry because I told him he needed to calm down and control himself or he would need to go somewhere and have someone else help him control himself. He screamed and ran around the house, said he was calling hte cops, called his dad, who was at work and bawled to him about how mean I was. He had NO insight into his actions and responsibility.