Consonants and Vowels...

It has been raining cats and dogs the last few days. Just what we need... more freaking rain. lol I have been so busy lately and completely uninspired when it comes to writing about anything. I have been working ALOT, stressing about money even more, and trying to sleep away my worries.

Colin, my son with autism, has suddenly, made a drastic improvement.... on accident. We had to stop one of his medications due to cardiac side effects. Ever since, he has been a different child. He is talkative, polite, no agitation or aggression... WTF? I guess that really makes me think. Maybe some of his symptoms have been side effects all along!!! I am taking it day by day though. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems almost too good tobe true. I have my son back...

I have the day off today. I am getting caught up on alot of things. Laundry, bills, ugh.. Then I will play WoW for a while and RELAX. My dreams have been in hyperdrive lately, Not sleeping well... But unusually the dreams are good AND almost prophetic. I may have a new job offer on the horizon if I am interpreting the dreams correctly an I believe I am... :)

I have been trying to do yoga every day and working on a ritual a day... We will see how long this lasts! :) I have been meditating and am working on some more advanced concepts lately. Life is going alright... Just scooting along day by day trying to make my mark...

Okay, so to catch up.

Work is really crazy. My boss, who I am not a big fan of, is screwing up alot of things at work and of course I am hoping to get her job after her unfortunate demise... That means I have been busting my ass to show everyone that I can handle it! The Director has definitely noticed and keeps telling me to be patient and I will be pleasantly surprised. I have spear headed our Dementia Education program and have received alot of corporate attention for this, so I am hoping if not a promotion here in Indiana, Maybe I will get offered a better position in New York or Connecticut! Yay! I am not opposed to moving. New direction, new outlooks, always refreshing! :)

Home life has been utterly nutty as well. Colin, my autistic son is having alot of issues. He is hitting puberty and behaviors are well... exacerbated to say the least. Yelling, screaming, crying, hitting, lying.... Yea, I am in hell about now with all of this. It will get better. I have faith.

For some reason I have been dwelling on my relationship with my father which is at the very least strained and estranged! lol. I don't even like the guy right now. Haven't seen him in like 2 years and he only lives 2 hours away. He has made several trips here to Ft Wayne apparently ad has made no effort to see his grandchildren or me.... Whatever. I is hurting me right now,I haven't thought about it in a while...

Chad and I are doing great. For those of you who don't know the whole story, we have had some issues over the last few years and finally decided to reconcile fully in December. We had to face alot of hard truths (oh boy, looking at the truth starkly in the face is NOT easy.) It hurt. We both hurt for a while. With all of our cards out on the table, and information I didn't have and information he didn't have all out in the open... It was so clear. Even though we weren't happy, we knew we were before. We both dug deep and tried to find what brought us together in the first place. We found it and decided we wanted to stay together. Things are going well. :)

I have been playing like FIEND on my new laptop... I love World of Warcraft... My favorite game of all time! But,I do spend alot of time playing which means I spend less time reading and blogging! lol

So, left work early to meet with this Crisis behavioral team. On the way home, I called Colin's psychiatrist who has been less than helpful lately. I think he feels as if he has failed in some way too... Anyway, he said to bring him right in. We made some progress, he validated my feelings and thoughts on Colin's meds and finally decided to let me trial him on Risperdal. It was recently approved for use in children with ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder). Here is a link to a website about it!

http://www.risperdal.com/risperdal/faqs_autisticdisorder.html

I am excited. Hopefully, his mood will become better. After that appt, I raced home to meet the behavioralist. They had some good insight and referred me to some new resources as well... Hopefully, this is a turning point! I was so sad and frustrated today. Felt like my world just crumbled. But I definitely think we are heading the right way.

It has been a sad day today. Colin is having more issues with his behavior. I had to call a crisis team today... I am so embarassed, but he really jacked up my shoulder and sprained my wrist last night. All over a video game... Yikes. It is so sad. He was really remorseful today, but how do we keep him from getting to that point? We are working on it everyday. Chad was great with him today and had a good talk with him and I think that helped, but I am so sad about it. It is so hard to have your own son hurt you like that! Ugh... Okay. Just venting.

Never did I expect to hear that phrase uttered as a reason for my child's Autism.

However, today I did. I went to the pharmacy to pick up Colin's meds. The pharmacist there is very nice and we usually chit chat a bit. He has a daughter with a similar disorder as Colin's. So we discuss meds, treatments, etc. I have been going to this particular pharmacy for over 6 months now. Anyway, the usual gabbing led to him explaining that he went to a seminar on these types of disorders such as Autism and he discovered that the reason his daughter had the problems she did was because he needed to be "repentant"... He spoke so quickly and so excitedly, I had to ask him several times to repeat himself. But, apparently, he and his wife had not repented for their sins and accepted Jesus into their lives and that is why their child was afflicted with Autism. He said that he paid money... went to a seminar where he could repent and learn to repent some more and that his daughter is now off of her meds. (He chortled when I asked how her behavior was off of the meds and then he said that maybe he had some more praying to do.) He flat out said that I probably had some repenting to do and should look into this spirit root cause for Colin's condition...

I got home and pulled up the website. Holy Shit. For about 300 dollars and the expense to fly or drive to my choice of 5 states, they will teach me how to repent and touch on the important issues that may have caused my child's sickness, such as:

1. Sin & Spirit World Realities
2. Separation
3. Seven Steps to Sin
4. Roots of Disease
5. Walk-Out
6. Bitterness
7. Accusation
8. Door Points
9. Water Baptism
10. Nutrition
11. Occultism
12. Envy/Jealousy
13. Rejection
14. 8R’s to Freedom
15. Unloving Spirits
16. Addictions (sugar, video games etc.)
17. Fear
18. Blocks to Healing
19. Gifts & Baptism with the Holy Spirit

And to quote their site:

"Many diseases are the result of separation between God, yourself, and others. For My Life™ identifies and ministers to the root causes behind these separations. "


I hate to sound so fucking cynical, but seriously. I wanted to tell this mother f***er off so badly. But, I could not. I feel sorry for him. I really do. And all of the other poor folks that have bought into this crap. It is so hard to have a child with a problem. As a parent, you blame yourself everyday. Even if the proof is glaring you in the face that it is NOT your fault, you still go down that sorry and depressing road. Leave it to a few assholes to capitalize on these poor parent's guilt. However, I suppose if you are interested in this sort of C-R-A-P here is the website.

http://www.beinhealth.com/public/FMLOverview

Have Fun.

http://www.generationrescue.org/

The Vaccinated vs. Unvaccinated Children Survey:
We surveyed over 9,000 boys in California and Oregon and found that vaccinated boys had a 155% greater chance of having a neurological disorder like ADHD or autism than unvaccinated boys.

In 1983, the Centers for Disease Control recommended a total of 10 vaccines for our children. In 2008, the CDC recommends 36, an increase of 260%. (See a comparison here.) Yet, no studies have ever been done to compare neurological disorder ("ND") rates of unvaccinated children to vaccinated children. We commissioned a national market research firm to survey more than 17,000 children in California and Oregon. Read the results here.

Our children are experiencing epidemics of ADD/ADHD, Asperger's, PDD-NOS, and Autism.

We believe these neurological disorders ("NDs") are environmental illnesses caused by an overload of heavy metals, live viruses, and bacteria. Proper treatment of our children, known as "biomedical intervention", is leading to recovery for thousands.

The cause of this epidemic of NDs is extremely controversial. We believe the cause includes the tripling of vaccines given to children in the last 15 years (with unstudied ingredients like mercury, aluminum and live viruses); growing evidence also suggests that maternal toxic load and prenatal vaccines, heavy metals like mercury in our air, toxic ingredients in our water, pesticides; and the overuse of antibiotics are also implicated. Generation Rescue's mission is to support continued research on causative factors and treatment approaches for NDs.

Generation Rescue is a parent-founded, parent-led organization of more than 900 mentor families and leading researchers and clinicians from around the globe. Our mission is to continue to discover and share the truth with families about the potential cause of their child's NDs so they can focus on effective treatments.

I have no idea what the origin of that phrase is... I shall look it up!

"on cloud (number) nine", a phrase meaning happy, euphoric, or 'high'

Hmmm Okay, so yeah, cloud nine it is.

Life rocks. Even in the midst of drama, life's challenges, being broke... yada yada yada...

My son may finally get the help he needs. I am finally getting recognition and validation at work. I deperately need that. I work so hard. I got noticed and recognized by our corporate office. Soemthing that I put into action is acyually now being used in all of our buildings. I am so honored...

I hate Mondays. Colin would not get out of bed today, he actually just kept kicking me... What the hell am I supposed to do? He wouldn't get up, I was late for work, he was late for school. I feel like screaming. He finally did get out of bed after several sets of "1-2-3.." and losing a privelege. He lost everything except outside priveleges. Then he got up, stomping, and started chasing hius brother, hitting him, jumping on him. I got his attention and said that if he touched his brother again, he would lose his outside priveleges. He continued to hit him off and on. After 3 chances, I revoked outdoor priveleges. He threw a fit. Screaming, running, wailing around the house, trying to beat up his brother. We finally got off to school. The rest of the day was ok.

Today, the boys had football. Colin put on his brothers pants. He must not have looked at them or Conners were closer and he just didn't want to get up and get them. I am not sure. Anyway, we nicely asked him to trade pants, because Conners are a different size. Colin refused. Threw himself on the ground screaming, yeslling, kicking at Chad. Chad tried to help him, but he kept kicking, screaming, we had to get going or they would be late for the game, They were screaming at each other, Colin was punching, kicking, hitting, trying to bite Chad just for trying to help him take off that pants. He had several opportunities to take them off by himself, but flat out refused, just laid there WAILING, repetetive baby like crying over and over. So, it ended with Chad and I holding him down, removing the pants. I have bruises on my legs from where I was kicked... What a way to start a day.

Today is my birthday! I had a great day! I am getting an iPod for my bday from Chad, he got me a bunch of stuff, hats, a sweater, a sweatshirt. It was great. He put alot of thought into my gifts this year!

The boys fought. and fought. It was horrible in that respect. Colin can't quit pushing buttons.Poor Conner caught in the crossfire. All I do is try to be a good mom, but I seem to fail over and over. I must have crazy expectations to think that my boys could stay in the same room for 5 minutes while I change my clothes without attempts on someones life! I am so frustrated. No interventions are working. Conner is having trouble buying into not engaging with his brother in negative behavior. We are working on that. It just seems like no matter what, Colin just doesn't have to do what he doesn't want to do. If we ask him to, we are asking for a shit storm. If we don't give him what he wants, same result. It is like a cyclone, I just can't get out. I ended up sitting in the car quietly and thinking about things and I got NOWHERE. Except that maybe we need to bite the bullet and try this dietary thing. No milk, no wheat. Again, looking for trouble, that is all he eats, if I take it away, he will throw a damn tantrum.

Chad had to work tonight, I miss him. He will be off this weekend though. It shoud be awesome!

Work was good, I got suprised with a littel party by all of my dementia residents and my staff. I got some cute presents. Overall, it was a good day!

Tonight Colin tried to push me down the stairs. He jumped quickly into bed before brushing his teeth and would not get up and brush. I tried to ignore it. I decided to tell him that it was fine. He did not have to brush, but he was not allowed to sleep in my room. (He likes to sleep on my floor when Chad is gone). He screamed, blood curdling sounds and told me he WAS sleeping in my room, tried charging me with is head several times, I was standing by the stairs, he kept charging at me over and over with his head down, I tried to stop him, I tried to put my arm out and balance him out or grab him, and then he screamed that I hit him, and he tried to push me down the stairs, He couldn't understand why I was so upset with him. Then he hit his brother for trying to help me. He got angry because I told him he needed to calm down and control himself or he would need to go somewhere and have someone else help him control himself. He screamed and ran around the house, said he was calling hte cops, called his dad, who was at work and bawled to him about how mean I was. He had NO insight into his actions and responsibility.

My son Conner and I had a long heart to heart tonight about Colin. For the first time, I embraced Colin's PDD and told Conner what we were dealing with. It is such a hard discussion to have. We both cried. He finally understands why his brother does some of the things he does, he recognizes that dad and I get frustrated and tired. I told him what the counselor had shared with me about not engaging him. It is hard for Conner because he takes the brunt of Colin's physical aggression. We talked about that and that Colin doesn't like the fact that is how he is, bit it is something that we ALL have to deal with. Conner is such a little warrior. He held my hand while I cried. He told me I was a good mom and that we would all have to try harder to make life easier... He is so smart. Such an old wise soul. He told me that if I seemed to be overwhelmed, he would hold my hand as a reminder to remember that he loves me and all will be ok... how adorable. We also discussed that we get very little one on one time together. He always refuses to go to the store with me or do anything except watch TV or play games. So we made a date for tomorrow night. He loves coffee. We will go to the Firefly and run errands... BTW, later in the night, Colin blew up on us, I got VERY angry. Conner grabbed my hand gently, yet urgently and stroked it... I just smiled, let out a deep breath, and knew that we would be okay.

Try not to engage yourself with your 12 year old that is taunting you... Yikes. I thought it impossible. But, It is working. Today, at the drug store, Colin threw a huge tantrum because I would not buy him a Hannah Montana wig that he wants for Halloween... I said "no". I turned around and waited for the kid to blow... He did. Like Mount Vesuvius (how ever it is spelled!?). Erupted all over the store. Yelling, crying, stomping. Normally, I would have chased after him, yelled at him to stop, begged him... whatever it took. I ignored it. It only lasted about 2 minutes. (It seemed MUCH longer) Then, he came marching over and announced he was running away forever. I looked down at him and said "Oh, okay, well I am paying for my order and I will be done in a few minutes" and turned around ignoring him again. He ran away screaming. This time only maybe 10 seconds and then he just came back and waited for me to be done and we left without another word. It is so embarrassing when he does this in public, but by not letting him draw me in, the tantrum seemed to be much shorter with a lot less intensity to it. Now if I can get the whole family to buy into it.

So, I went and talked to my son's Doctor this evening... He just happens to be a shrink... and boy oh boy, did he shrink my head! lol My son has pervasive developmental disorder, it is a type of Autism. He is 12 and we have quite a bit if "drama" at home with home recently. He has been so angry and violent. It is so difficult. My home life is a tornado... I am constantly dodging his behavior, trying to nurture him and in the process NOT ignore my sweet 10 year old... Ugh. I am so stressed. I work full time, take the kids to football, and manage a household with a child with a disability... I am disorganized at best. I am forgetting to pay bills, to do simple tasks... everything gets cloudy and lost in my head somewhere!!! So, I asked the Dr for some ADD medication, I feel I have issues because I can't seem to focus all of the time and make all of this work! He just laughed at me. And then sternly told me that there was nothing wrong with me. He said that I am "normal"? A normal woman in an abnormal situation that is coping the best way she can... However, he says "Colin will still be Colin, as he is, in the morning... There is no changing that, no cure." It broke my heart and pissed me off at the same time! No cure, my ass... I sat and pondered that for a long long time. Then it hit me in the face, knocked the wind out of me... Every day, I wake up, stretch, and envision my day... I envision a dream, not reality. I put myself and my family in situations that I am sure will turn out a certain way for I have "seen" it in my head, and then am miserably disappointed when it turns out differently. I am not living in reality. The Dr was right. If I learn to accept the fact that my son has this problem, and embrace it, the pain and all... Instead of wasting time and energy on wishing things were different, work on "dealing"... Things may just get clearer. Time will tell.