Consonants and Vowels...

It has been raining cats and dogs the last few days. Just what we need... more freaking rain. lol I have been so busy lately and completely uninspired when it comes to writing about anything. I have been working ALOT, stressing about money even more, and trying to sleep away my worries.

Colin, my son with autism, has suddenly, made a drastic improvement.... on accident. We had to stop one of his medications due to cardiac side effects. Ever since, he has been a different child. He is talkative, polite, no agitation or aggression... WTF? I guess that really makes me think. Maybe some of his symptoms have been side effects all along!!! I am taking it day by day though. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems almost too good tobe true. I have my son back...

I have the day off today. I am getting caught up on alot of things. Laundry, bills, ugh.. Then I will play WoW for a while and RELAX. My dreams have been in hyperdrive lately, Not sleeping well... But unusually the dreams are good AND almost prophetic. I may have a new job offer on the horizon if I am interpreting the dreams correctly an I believe I am... :)

I have been trying to do yoga every day and working on a ritual a day... We will see how long this lasts! :) I have been meditating and am working on some more advanced concepts lately. Life is going alright... Just scooting along day by day trying to make my mark...

I have been sleeping very little. I have had so much on my mind and if I even began to try and explain it here on this page, I would most likely run out of room and possibly bore many of you to tears. However, it would intrigue a few... Anyway, Just having some personal issues and again I am questioning myself in so so many ways. BIG ways. Honesty with myself has never come easy. I think I lived most of my life lying to myself to please my Dad... He was a bit manipulaitve and crazy... (That is REALLY an understatement! lol) Anyway, I think I learned at a very young age to cover up my own feelings at the expense of others. It was jsut easier that way. Now, I am 34 and I am thinking that this may not be the way in which I want to live the rest of my life. Is this making any fucking sense? Anyway, I know I am supposed to be proud to be "me". And I seriously know i am in here somewhere... For the most part, I am who I am... But then I wear all these oter hats to please others. So, a bit of honesty for today. Baby steps... In my profile, It says how I love to play Halo3. I even have my Xbox gamer card on this page. Not true. I really don't enjoy Halo. I don't necessarily enjoy the Xbox much either. My husband does and in an effort to do something "with" him, I adopted it as a semi-hobby. So, I will leave it on my profile a bit longer, just so those of you that read my crazy ramblings can see that I am not full of shit. And then, I remove it. 1 thing at a time. Sorta like a strip tease! lol... Just one item at a time, I reveal who I am. Who I REALLY am...


Paramore-
That's what you get...


No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, to take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt, so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why?
All the possibilities...
Well I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa...
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why? All the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa..
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

Pain, make your way to me. (to me)
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start... Start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.


My heart runs my show on a daily basis and I let it down alot, to try and make others happy. But, still I have been singing this all morning and it made me grin.

I barely slept last night. I kept hearing noises. I had my fan on, but it sounded like someone or something was banging on my door downstairs. I couldn't tell if it as the front door or back and I was paralyzed each time I woke up to hear banging. I laid there trying to breathe, my heart pounding in my throat. I was so disoriented. I laid there thinking if I hid under my covers it would just go away. I would slowly doze off and then awaken to the thudding again. I swear I could even hear the chain lock and the windows rattle. I did finally get out of bed and look out the windows. No cars, no tracks in the snow, no shadows, just nothing to explain it.

I had to report for jury duty this morning. Fun. Thank goodness there were police officers involved in this trial and once I stated that my mom's husband was a cop and an abusive s.o.b. ... Well, they excused me! :)