Consonants and Vowels...

Okay, so to catch up.

Work is really crazy. My boss, who I am not a big fan of, is screwing up alot of things at work and of course I am hoping to get her job after her unfortunate demise... That means I have been busting my ass to show everyone that I can handle it! The Director has definitely noticed and keeps telling me to be patient and I will be pleasantly surprised. I have spear headed our Dementia Education program and have received alot of corporate attention for this, so I am hoping if not a promotion here in Indiana, Maybe I will get offered a better position in New York or Connecticut! Yay! I am not opposed to moving. New direction, new outlooks, always refreshing! :)

Home life has been utterly nutty as well. Colin, my autistic son is having alot of issues. He is hitting puberty and behaviors are well... exacerbated to say the least. Yelling, screaming, crying, hitting, lying.... Yea, I am in hell about now with all of this. It will get better. I have faith.

For some reason I have been dwelling on my relationship with my father which is at the very least strained and estranged! lol. I don't even like the guy right now. Haven't seen him in like 2 years and he only lives 2 hours away. He has made several trips here to Ft Wayne apparently ad has made no effort to see his grandchildren or me.... Whatever. I is hurting me right now,I haven't thought about it in a while...

Chad and I are doing great. For those of you who don't know the whole story, we have had some issues over the last few years and finally decided to reconcile fully in December. We had to face alot of hard truths (oh boy, looking at the truth starkly in the face is NOT easy.) It hurt. We both hurt for a while. With all of our cards out on the table, and information I didn't have and information he didn't have all out in the open... It was so clear. Even though we weren't happy, we knew we were before. We both dug deep and tried to find what brought us together in the first place. We found it and decided we wanted to stay together. Things are going well. :)

I have been playing like FIEND on my new laptop... I love World of Warcraft... My favorite game of all time! But,I do spend alot of time playing which means I spend less time reading and blogging! lol

So, I had another dream about a key. This time, my grandma, was holding it and calling out to me. My grandma is still alive, but has Alzheimer's. It was so vivid. I could see her, smell her, feel her there with me. She had the key and whispered words to me that I couldn't make out...

The next morning I called to check on her. My grandfather said she wanted to talk to me! She got on the phone and began speaking on her marriage and her kids. She has been married almost 65 years! Unbelievable. She kept bringing up my grandfather. I asked her how they did it... 65 years. She said " I did it for the children, honey" She told me of many times where she wished she could leave or "kill" ( I hope she was joking) my grandpa, but that she held it together for the kids because they were more important! It was a beautiful conversation. She spoke almost as a drill Sargent at times. Kept repeating to "Hang in there". And to work it out. Funny thing is, I hadn't mentioned any turbulence in my marriage. She had no idea, and yet I saw her in my dream holding that key I was desperately looking for and then sat listening as she urged me to hang in there...

Later that same day, my mom came over to watch the kids so Chad and I could go Xmas shopping. (I hate shopping this time of year!) Anyway, she came to the door lugging this huge Rubbermaid box and thunked it down in front of me. I opened it and on top was a pic of Gramma and me... I started crying. It was a huge box of pictures in frames of my life. My past, my ancestors, of me, baby me, toddler me, teenager me, my sis, my mom and dad... It rushed back all of these feelings and it made me realize that life is really hard. Like Gramma said, tough times will happen. But, you keep it together for the kids. My parents were happy way back when. My mom and dad split when I was 22. It was horrible even at 22 to go through that. I will never make my children go through that. Nothing is worth causing them pain. NOTHING. I had a long talk with my mom, family, and very close friends and they all reiterated what Gramma had said. It was a bit odd, Some of my friends had definitely been leaning one way... But, they felt that all things considered, this was my path. I have a great bunch of family and friends...

It was an interesting weekend. Full of intriguing dreams, old wedding dresses, antique boxes, pictures, and keys... My journey has changed. How my grandmother managed to come out of her confused state to send me a message so loud and clear... A blessing, I suppose. I miss her so much. I get to go and visit in a few weeks. I can't wait to hug her and hold her and Thank her.

Yesterday was a busy day. I actually slept in though which was nice! I didn't get up til 9 and I was supposed to start the turkey at 7... Whoops! I got the bird going and started on the rest of the feast and worked my little ass off until around 3. I got to chill for a bit then and watch some TV and take a quick snooze. In the midst of all this I got a call from my mom. She is still in a behavioral health hospital. She is in an abusive relationship and instead of making the choice to leave, she has decided to lean on pharmaceuticals to get her through. She is abusing Vicodin, Xanax, Benadryl... anything that will make her sleep so she does not have to face life. Anyway, she called to tell me she was being discharged tomorrow (which is now today). She said she was going to go live with her sister in Illinois, which made me ecstatic. We all made the necessary arrangements. I went about my day. I finished my din din and had our best friends over for a feast. We sat down to eat, said what we were thankful for... among my thanksgivings was the fact that my mom was getting back on track. I took my first bite of turkey and the phone rang. Mom again. Only this time to tell me that she was going to go home instead. That her dickhead was going to stay at a friends but she wasn't ready to leave him... (Insert vomiting sound here) Then, she said the weirdest thing. She told me that she had a headache all day and she was feeling better now since "some nice lady" gave her a "VICODIN"... I hung up, ignored the whole conversation and went about my evening. We did have a great time... Who knew "turkey gobbler" would wind up being so freaking funny. We laughed, we ate, we drank, and we watched the punkin chunkin on discovery channel. It was awesome. Brenda and I both passed out!

This morning, after thinking about it... I called my mom's nurse and told her what my mom had said last night about the vicodin... I started to fear maybe someone had given her one. A visitor? a patient? How about her manipulative fuckhead of a husband with one last ditch effort to try and make her stay? Who gave her that damned pill? And why? I can't imagine it was ordered! Who would prescribe narcotics for a recovering addict?

Sometimes I feel as if no matter what I do, I am invisible. I don't really matter. It doesn't happen every day, but enough. Maybe I am "high maintenance" as I was told a few days ago. Maybe I expect too much. Some days I just feel like life really sucks ass. Money, kids, bills, work, housework, personal satisfaction, love... How do you fit it all in and have it good? How do people accomplish it all? I am unsuccessful today. Sad. I needed some support, some good encouraging words and got my face pushed down in the mud instead. My gut feels wrenched. Ah well, I shall move on. and prevail today despite it's dark beginning...

Some days, I just feel so damn uninspired. I have these walls... more like fortresses I have had to erect in order to not allow drama and negativity to get at me. But it seems to find a way to seep in time and time again. Usually in the form of family. Why is it that I am the one with the most dysfunctional family in the WORLD? (okay, yea, I am feeling a wee bit sorry for myself). I have had my own share of drama and trouble in the past. But, my life has been great. Work is good, Love is awesome, kids... well, reality says that kids aren't gonna be awesome all the time, eh? But, my family is literally killing me. I have a very manipulative father who was not only emotionally abusive and unavailable when I grew up, he is an asshole that doesn't even try to see his grand kids, and tries to create drama at every turn. My sister is schizophrenic. Literally, I am not joking. And she has borderline personality disorder... There is nothing borderline about it, it is a full size pain in the arse. She just called me to let me know she had tried to nap today and couldn't so she took 9 Benadryl... Yea, I was supposed to get worked up and panic. I calmly told her to call her doctor... I get these attention seeking calls constantly and now I an getting calls from bill collectors looking for her. GREAT. My mom is addicted to pills. Pain pills, Xanax, Benadryl, anything that will alter her reality enough to make it tolerable because my fucking dad cheated on her after 25 years of marriage and left her an empty shell of a woman who latched on tho the first abusive asshole prick dickhead she could find. Now she spends her days self medicating and slurring in a slumberous stupor because she is fucking miserable and won't admit it. There. I feel a bit better. Seriously. I needed to spew that someone's way. Now, I shall go downstairs into my magick room and do some spells for prosperity and calm peace...