Consonants and Vowels...

It has been raining cats and dogs the last few days. Just what we need... more freaking rain. lol I have been so busy lately and completely uninspired when it comes to writing about anything. I have been working ALOT, stressing about money even more, and trying to sleep away my worries.

Colin, my son with autism, has suddenly, made a drastic improvement.... on accident. We had to stop one of his medications due to cardiac side effects. Ever since, he has been a different child. He is talkative, polite, no agitation or aggression... WTF? I guess that really makes me think. Maybe some of his symptoms have been side effects all along!!! I am taking it day by day though. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems almost too good tobe true. I have my son back...

I have the day off today. I am getting caught up on alot of things. Laundry, bills, ugh.. Then I will play WoW for a while and RELAX. My dreams have been in hyperdrive lately, Not sleeping well... But unusually the dreams are good AND almost prophetic. I may have a new job offer on the horizon if I am interpreting the dreams correctly an I believe I am... :)

I have been trying to do yoga every day and working on a ritual a day... We will see how long this lasts! :) I have been meditating and am working on some more advanced concepts lately. Life is going alright... Just scooting along day by day trying to make my mark...

Okay, so to catch up.

Work is really crazy. My boss, who I am not a big fan of, is screwing up alot of things at work and of course I am hoping to get her job after her unfortunate demise... That means I have been busting my ass to show everyone that I can handle it! The Director has definitely noticed and keeps telling me to be patient and I will be pleasantly surprised. I have spear headed our Dementia Education program and have received alot of corporate attention for this, so I am hoping if not a promotion here in Indiana, Maybe I will get offered a better position in New York or Connecticut! Yay! I am not opposed to moving. New direction, new outlooks, always refreshing! :)

Home life has been utterly nutty as well. Colin, my autistic son is having alot of issues. He is hitting puberty and behaviors are well... exacerbated to say the least. Yelling, screaming, crying, hitting, lying.... Yea, I am in hell about now with all of this. It will get better. I have faith.

For some reason I have been dwelling on my relationship with my father which is at the very least strained and estranged! lol. I don't even like the guy right now. Haven't seen him in like 2 years and he only lives 2 hours away. He has made several trips here to Ft Wayne apparently ad has made no effort to see his grandchildren or me.... Whatever. I is hurting me right now,I haven't thought about it in a while...

Chad and I are doing great. For those of you who don't know the whole story, we have had some issues over the last few years and finally decided to reconcile fully in December. We had to face alot of hard truths (oh boy, looking at the truth starkly in the face is NOT easy.) It hurt. We both hurt for a while. With all of our cards out on the table, and information I didn't have and information he didn't have all out in the open... It was so clear. Even though we weren't happy, we knew we were before. We both dug deep and tried to find what brought us together in the first place. We found it and decided we wanted to stay together. Things are going well. :)

I have been playing like FIEND on my new laptop... I love World of Warcraft... My favorite game of all time! But,I do spend alot of time playing which means I spend less time reading and blogging! lol

So, the solstice is creeping up on me quicker than I expected! We are planning a big night with rites, some good old traditional crafting fun... I think we are going to string popcorn and cranberries by the fire and have a few drinks... I have some spellwork up my sleeve as well!

I am really excited this year and hope for a good yuletide season. We don't have alot of money, but I am hoping it will be a good one, none the less...

I have most of the kids presents wrapped now... I have mentioned before that I run a Dementia care community. I decided to bring the kids presents in and help the residents wrap them. It was awesome! They were all reminiscing about the holiday seasons past and oogling over the toys we had bought for the boys. It was alot of fun! I have had a great day at work so far... and hey, I got my wrapping done! ha. Talk about killing two birds with one stone! ;)

What do you see?

"What do you, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise?
Uncertain of habit with faraway eyes.

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
when you say in a loud voice, 'I do wish you'd try;'
who seems not to notice the things that you do,
and forever is losing a stocking or shoe.

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then, open your eyes . . .
you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still,
as I do your bidding, as I eat (at) your will.

I'm a small child of 10 with a father and mother,
brothers and sisters who love one another.

A young girl of 16 with wings on her feet,
dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bird soon at 20, my heart gives a leap,
remembering the vows (that) I promised to keep.

At 25 now, I have young of my own,
who need me to build a secure, happy home.

A woman of 30, my young . . . grows fast,
bound to each other with ties that should last.

At 40, my young sons have grown and are gone,
but my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.

At 50, more babies’ play round my knee;
again, we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead.
I look to the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing (the) young of their own,
and I think of the years and the love I have known.

I'm an old woman now, and nature is cruel.
'Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles; grace and vigor depart.
There (now is) a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass, a young girl still dwells,
and now and again, my heart (truly) swells.
I remember the joy, I remember the pain,
and I'm loving and living life over again.

I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast,
and accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So, open your eyes, nurses, and see . . .
Not a crabby old woman, look closer, see me."

-Author Unknown-or-Is She-

Today, despite a few "things" that are bothering me, I feel accomplished. I got called into work today to cover for a nurse that called in sick. I didn't mind. I had been gone all week for a business trip and really did miss the residents. My staff was so stressed out. The director has been utterly negative and mean to everyone. I am a little worried about her. I am wondering about a breakdown seriously. I am not sure she was cut out for the job. She seems to be a big talker who can't really walk the walk. I shouldn't even care about her or her feelings because of the way she treats me. She is so rude and selfish. Everything is about HER. Down to the most ridiculous tiny things. She is jealous and cold hearted and has treated me badly. But, nonetheless, I am still concerned. I hate to see anyone suffer and I really wonder if she bit off more than she could chew with this job. Anyway, I went out and bought all of the nursing staff lattes and worked very hard to be sure that they had a god day. Of course, this meant that I worked my little fanny off. But, I do that anyway. It was a great day. Another day filled with validation and people telling me how much they appreciate me. It felt good.

I was chosen to write a short article for a local newspaper called Senior Life... This is what I submitted!

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Dementia Support at XXXXXXX

We know having someone with dementia in your life can be very difficult. At XXXXXX, our lives have all been touched by dementia in one way or another. Everyone has a story to tell relating to why we are here, caring each and every day. We are here to help.

Dementia progresses differently in every one affected. It can be a rapid or slow progression. But the one thing that remains constant is your loved one has changed and may keep changing. You may feel as if you don’t recognize them for whom they were. They may not recognize you. Your relationship with them changes.

What we need to do first and foremost is realize that although that person we loved may not be acting the same, they are the same person we loved. The same role model we had growing up. The same mothers who shared bedtime stories with us, and made us special snacks, or really let us have it when we deserved it. The Dads that made sure we knew the difference between right and wrong, who helped us make those really tough decisions as we grew up. Maybe it is a brother or sister who you used to look up to or fight with all of the time! They deserve respect. They deserve our time and our love. Our acceptance.

At XXXXXXX, we embrace individuality and cater to everyone we meet with an open mind and a loving heart. We are truly here to help. In order to give back to our community and to our resident’s loved ones, our support group for elder care will begin early 2009. For more information contact Jen at XXX-XXXX.

Jen Logan LPN Case Manager

This weekend was a whirlwind! I went to my son's football semi-finals Sat am and then left for Kankakee, IL right after. It is a 3 1/2 hr drive from Ft Wayne. Just me and the boys. Chad had to work. I really missed him. Anyway, we drove to see my family. I love them all so much. What a great bunch of laid back people. They just love me for who I am. We celebrated my Bday while I was there and I got a bunch of "witch" stuff... Even a hat that reads "Witchful Thinking..." lol. My family accepts me. They encourage me. Sometimes, they inspire me!

Today, work has been crazy. One of those days where you sorta have to convince yourself that it will all be a-ok. ha! My mind is just a whirlwind. But, I stopped a few minutes ago and walked outside. It is gorgeous. Full moon time here again. I LOVE the energy it brings. I can't wait for tonight...

Yesterday was a challenging day for me. While I like being the center of attention, I had to lead a lecture on dementia and then initiate a support group. It was a teaching circle of sorts and it was my creation. I did very well. I was so nervous. But, I pulled it off. It was incredible. I made alot of folks feel better. Dementia is an awful disease and it is so hard to deal with when a loved one gets it! I love my job though. I feel as if I am blossoming. "Becoming". I love that word.

I was honored to be nominated to chair our Dementia Ed Committee and even blushed when I found out that our corporate office has issued some ofmy work for use in ALL of our facilities... Wow. I feel so special and honored.

My job is tough. Oh, the stories I could share...LOL. I run a Dementia Unit in an assisted living community... It is tough, but very rewarding work. I LOVE my job.

Sometimes I feel as if no matter what I do, I am invisible. I don't really matter. It doesn't happen every day, but enough. Maybe I am "high maintenance" as I was told a few days ago. Maybe I expect too much. Some days I just feel like life really sucks ass. Money, kids, bills, work, housework, personal satisfaction, love... How do you fit it all in and have it good? How do people accomplish it all? I am unsuccessful today. Sad. I needed some support, some good encouraging words and got my face pushed down in the mud instead. My gut feels wrenched. Ah well, I shall move on. and prevail today despite it's dark beginning...

I have no idea what the origin of that phrase is... I shall look it up!

"on cloud (number) nine", a phrase meaning happy, euphoric, or 'high'

Hmmm Okay, so yeah, cloud nine it is.

Life rocks. Even in the midst of drama, life's challenges, being broke... yada yada yada...

My son may finally get the help he needs. I am finally getting recognition and validation at work. I deperately need that. I work so hard. I got noticed and recognized by our corporate office. Soemthing that I put into action is acyually now being used in all of our buildings. I am so honored...