Consonants and Vowels...

Gebo

Ansuz

Nauthiz


Yikes... Am I in for a ride! :)

Gebo means gift... well, I see it as a gift for a gift normally- Almost like a karmic present- "What goes around comes around..." While it also represents relationships, unions.. etc. In relation to that, I believe when Gebo is drawn in regards to a relationship issue- which it was... It means that it is hard to undo- As Gebo cannot be reversed... However-

Combine that with Ansuz- the intuition I feel, the spoken word of my Gods, The voice of reason which is whispered on the wind... Yes, I am listening an paying close attention. I am seeing many things and clarity in this situation is sad and scary yet liberating as well.

And Nauthiz- That's a loaded rune for me... But, I see it today. It's tricky. Nauthiz can be a negative rune and stand for loss and sorrow. It can also stand for repeated mistakes- a lesson that has gone unlearned. It could mean many things. Things that I am not maybe ready to heed. But, what I see form this today is this: There are things in life that I need. That the kids NEED. Not wants. I am NOT a material person contrary to popular belief. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the finer things to an extent, but I don't expect to be covered in jewels, and designer clothing. But, I do need to feel loved. I need some stimulation- no, not sexual- but, intellectual. I need to be surrounded by something positive in my life, to feel alive, not as a withering autumn leaf... I feel dead inside- my heart lays still awaiting a miracle to revive it. My children, lifeless... I see it in their eyes... I need to be able to pay my bills and not see my hard worked money tossed out the window without a care- I have worked hard to find the career I have. I have met my goals professionally, and I am trying to be an example to my kids... I need to feel as if I have more of an equal instead of someone who wishes to ride my coat tails and is perfectly happy unemployed living off of the help of others... Wow, That's alot of need. There are times, I feel like a vacuum- an empty vacuum- void of alot of what I "need".

The Cross spread is used to plot the arc of your life and the forces acting on it. It is the most popular spread, giving a very complete view of the situation. Stone Runes are most commonly used for questions about the natural world and things beyond human control.

The left rune represents an important element of the past. Man refers to Mankind and your interaction with the whole of human population. This rune is reversed, suggesting a separation from your fellow man. There is a lack of harmony in your interaction with others, either because you do not accept society or society does not accept you. Alternatively, this rune may also represent your separation from nature, and your ability to rise above the base level of being. As the rune is reversed, this may suggest an incomplete level of spiritual attainment or an intellectual block.

The middle rune represents a deciding element of the present. Ansuz is the spoken word of God. This rune is reversed, indicating that you are misunderstanding the divine voice or failing to hear it all. The word is always correct, so you must strive, whatever the difficulty, to hear correctly. Be wary of the advice you are given, for it may prove incorrect. Do not attribute infallibility to fallible sources...

The top rune represents a force that works for you. Wunjo is the rune of joy. The reversal of this rune suggests that joy is withheld. Since joy is frequently communal, this rune often suggests loneliness. Alternatively, some have seen Wunjo as the rune of perfection and the rune of the gods. Therefore this rune reversed could signal a feeling of separation from one's deity, or as imperfection in an important work.

The bottom Rune represents a force that works against you. Ger is one of the runes that touches on the cycles of the year, in this case the fall harvest. These cycles are eternal, which is represented in the rune by the fact that it is unchanged by reversal. Ger can represent pregnancy or other forms of fruitfulness, and is especially indicative of the cycles of providence and karma - that which has been sown is now being reaped. This rune can also represent the cycles of wealth, for crops were frequently a sign of wealth.

The right rune represents the critical element of the future, at the core of the final outcome. Nyd is frequently seen as a powerfully negative rune. You have drawn the rune reversed, which will lessen some of its effects. Generally Nyd represents loss, sorrow, and a hard journey with lessons learned. Nyd reversed here might be cautioning that the lessons might go unheeded representing repeated mistakes. The rune here might also be representing a minor loss or a nearly avoided catastrophe. Be careful, things are tricky and require strong attentiveness.

Okay, I have returned at least momentarily to my blog... I have been so busy, I just haven't felt like blogging lately! Hope everyone is well, I will get caugh up on your blogs here in a moment...

I have been very busy at work. Working alot of hours, proving myself and it has finally paid off!!! I got promoted again! I am now the Dictor of Nursing! OMG! I have waited my entire nursing career fo this opportunity and it is now in front of me. I got a huge raise... (Well, what I consider huge, may be modest to some)... :) But I am extremely excited.

We have been having money issues again... Big suprise. Chad, my husband has been diagnosed with systemic lupus. So, we have had many medical bills of late, medication, and missed work hours on top of that! But, we are getting by! And things are about to at least be comfortable. I don't want to be rich, just comfy.
Last night, the 4th of July, everyone had parties at their places or at a friend or relatives to go to. Chad worked and I had absolutely NOTHING to do. Colin has met a new friend in the neighborhood. His name is Amado, he is Hispanic. I met his parents yesterday and they graciously (maybe forcefully :) ) invited me into their home for food and drinks. They have very little money. Husband has been out of work for over a year now and she works in a factory. They have a small house, a quarter of what mine is currently, little money and yet invited me, a stranger into their home and treated me like family. They had Latin music blaring, decorations everywhere, I ate a barbecued burger, which I have never had, some Spanish rice, and she made me a rum libation which would have knocked me on my ass if I had finished it! lol I sat there in this families back yard, listening to their stories, and I was... comfortable. I started thinking about my financial situation... Me and my husband both have great jobs. We waste alot of money. I think as I watched this family enjoy each other and laugh, living life happily, I realized that the most important things in this life really don't cost much! :)

Yuck. I have a cold. A sneezy, snotty, wheezy, coughing fits, aches, hot flashes, and sleepy freaking cold. I stayed home again yesterday, because of it and actually slept about all day! I feel a bit better today, but feel like my head is completely submerged! lol

Today, I awoke and skipped yoga. I did do a short ritual to focus my mind and direct my day. I am feeling suddenly connected. To everything. Partly that makes me feel good, and sometimes it causes more stress... I feel almost empathic... I am taking on everyone's feelings and struggles. So I am working on focusing inward. Just on myself, my family, and my needs and feelings.

Just curious... Many people work with a specific God or Gods... Certain pantheons. What do you all work with or focus on? I am a very nature oriented witch and really just call on mother nature for lack of a better term... I have also worked with a variety of pantheons... What do you do?

My son is still doing well off of medications.... We will see what happens!

It has been raining cats and dogs the last few days. Just what we need... more freaking rain. lol I have been so busy lately and completely uninspired when it comes to writing about anything. I have been working ALOT, stressing about money even more, and trying to sleep away my worries.

Colin, my son with autism, has suddenly, made a drastic improvement.... on accident. We had to stop one of his medications due to cardiac side effects. Ever since, he has been a different child. He is talkative, polite, no agitation or aggression... WTF? I guess that really makes me think. Maybe some of his symptoms have been side effects all along!!! I am taking it day by day though. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems almost too good tobe true. I have my son back...

I have the day off today. I am getting caught up on alot of things. Laundry, bills, ugh.. Then I will play WoW for a while and RELAX. My dreams have been in hyperdrive lately, Not sleeping well... But unusually the dreams are good AND almost prophetic. I may have a new job offer on the horizon if I am interpreting the dreams correctly an I believe I am... :)

I have been trying to do yoga every day and working on a ritual a day... We will see how long this lasts! :) I have been meditating and am working on some more advanced concepts lately. Life is going alright... Just scooting along day by day trying to make my mark...

Wow! What a whirlwind of a few days! I have been so utterly busy!

The kids had a semi-formal at their middle school on Friday night. It was so cute! They both ended up with "girlfriends"... whatever. At 12 and 10, I have no idea what that means! But, they had a good time. They looked cute in their ties! Chad and I actually got to go out for dinner alone and did some shopping. It was a fun night!

Saturday, I had a load of shopping to do. I went to the grocery, and did some school clothes shopping for the boys. I was out for hours. Then we ordered dinner in and watched a few movies.

Last night, I chilled. We had a quiet dinner and watched some TV... I played some WoW (World of Warcraft). I am so hopelessly addicted to that game right now. I really enjoy it!

Today was a hellish day at work. I came home and worked for another 4 hours on the computer putting together a power point slide show for a presentation I have to do soon. Ugh...

Well, off to plan our Imbolc ritual. We have a new gal who wants to join our coven and is coming over on Sat. We will see how that goes. I am going to plan the night, write the ritual and perhaps I will share it here when it is done... ;) Then, I am off to play WoW for a while and then off to dream land!

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don’t need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don’t need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don’t need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild.
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise.

I’m drowning, but I don’t care,
Because when you’ve got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life and give up the air that you breathe.
You don’t need anything.


I really love this song. I like this group alot, they have a newer CD out, I should pick it up! The lyrics are so true. I feel like I am drowning sometimes and I don't see things like I should. I am truly lucky to be alive, have a family, and have love. I am counting my blessings today... that I am actually leaning toward "True" success in life.

Both of my boys want to get into martial arts. I am working on a way to make this happen for them. We don't have alot of money, but I feel it would be beneficial to both of them. My oldest, Colin is autistic (mild) and has ADD, my youngest is ADHD... lol I think it would help teach them a bit of discipline. Maybe...

Funny story.

Yesterday, while on the way to school I overheard the two of them in the back seat arguing. No, debating; if you will.... They were talking over who was actually the better padawan learner... (Star wars reference...) They argued who had the better light saber, who knew where Tattooine was really located, who could talk to wookies, and finally who knew what a "hutt" was... My oldest said "Duh, it is a tent with grass on top of it!"... Conner giggled an evil laugh and reminded him that "Jabba" was a hutt...."Jabba the HUTT". ANd all of his other relatives were HUTTS too! lol... I laughed all the way to work. I am raising the two biggest Star Wars NERDS! and I love it! :) I told them both that I thought they would make awesome Jedi knights....

Wow. What a weekend! I cleaned all day on Saturday. It took me 6 hours!!!! I really deep cleaned and dusted. Simplified and threw alot out. Then I smudged like crazy and did a quick cleansing and protection spell for my home. I was exhausted.

THEN, we went out. I got cleaned up and I looked good! I will post pics later. ;)
We went out to dinner with some friends and then out for drinks... Wow. Jen had a bit too much to drink, ugh. I hate it when I do that. It is like some people have a switch and they know when to flip it and not drink anymore... My switch just shuts off and I go on autopilot. I don't remember the latter parts of the night... only bits and pieces. I remember throwing up though... Yuck. We did have a blast though. I laughed so hard. It was great to see Jim and Brenda again. We have een so busy, it gets hard to hook up. We got home about 4! Yikes.

Sunday was a lazy day. I made a cheeseball for Chad. Then I went to the store and got a few things for a nice salad with dinner. We had a good day. It was a quite, lazy, happy day. That is how all Sundays should be. (Minus the hangover...)

I forgot to post this the other night... I had the eihwaz rune fall out when I was doing a reading so I meditated on it a bit...








So I meditated on the rune itself and ended up under a very large tree. The branches were long and slender and flexible. There were no leaves on this tree, but it was not dead. At first glance I thought it was dead, long gone. I could smell the earth very strongly and noticed that I was barefoot, digging my toes in the dirt as I love to do... The tree was alone, but there were other trees in the distance. Some had full leaves, some had sparse leaves, a few looked pretty dead. I wasn't sure if I should walk or what? So, I sat for a moment in front of the tree. A piece of bark was peeling off like parchment and when I picked it off, I noticed some lines. It looked like "something", a drawing, or a symbol but it wasn't finished yet. It frustrated me that I couldn't make out what it was. For some reason, I ate it. I chewed it up and swallowed it. It tasted like bread ( like communion at church when I used to go). I felt whole, my heart warmed and I stood up to see the leaves on the tree explode into growth and even flowers bloom. They were beautiful blue flowers. I stood under the tree as the wind blew and the petals rained overhead like a blue petal shower... It was absolutely breathtaking.

What appears to be dead or gone may be dormant or hidden. If I internalize that death or change then that can lead to new life and beauty... lol At least that is my take on this! It was a really powerful meditation... I could still taste the bread on my tongue.

I love the moon. I am so in tune with the cycles. You can watch my energy levels dip as it wanes and jump up as it waxes... For 3 days prior and 3 days after, I don't sleep much, I am ravenous... I eat like a hog and crave red meat. I don't eat a lot of meat usually, so this is definitely linked to the cycles of the moon. I must be part werewolf! lol Anyway, If I harness the energy and the restlessness appropriately, I can really get alot accomplished. I am going to do some major spellworking this full moon and I am working on cleaning and re-organizing my home. I am also organizing my finances still... It is tough to organize the stacks of bills you can't pay! I just shuffle them from on epile to another. But, we do actually have a plan on how to get caught up... prostitution... yep, or selling crack. (JUST KIDDING) Ugh. Money, how I despise thee. I think electricity should be a right, not a paid privelege! lol Okay, okay... back to the moon. I can feel her energy building and as I do, it is so different than the last several months. I feel more like myself and more in tune. I have harnessed that energy that used to make me crazy and so damn restless. I am putting it to good use. (I don't know if playing World of Warcraft for 4 hours on Saturday night was actually a GREAT use of energy, but I had a blast! lol) I got to go out for dinner this weekeend too. We had a great date. We left the boys at home (12 and 10) and went out. It was a little nerve wracking at first as we don't usually leave them alone. But, our sitter bailed and we really wanted an hour or so alone! So.... They actually did great! No worries. We had a fabulous time, I discovered a new beer that I loved, and got to spend some quality time alone!!! yay! That is always a nice treat.

So, as the moon waxes this month, I focus on the new year. New beginnings, new paths, Trying to be a new me. A stronger me. More in control, more understanding, less judgemental, and less temperamental! ;) The path is right here in front of me. All I need to do is tread down it. Slowly and carefully, meaningfully. And I will succeed...

While I usually celebrate a more "witchy" new year in October, I have decided to make a few resolutions this year.

Firstly, I am beginning to wonder if it is such a good idea to eat sushi and edamame while I am keenly aware that I am allergic to avocado and soybeans... I absolutely pigged out last night and today, my nose is so stuffed, I have a headache, and generally don't feel well. And, no I am not hung over. I had 2 of my new favorite beers last night ans was in bed by 2 am. It was a nice night though. We watched movies, ordered in, had a few drinks and spent some nice time together. But anyway, maybe I should cut back on the allergens for a while... I just love them so much!

Secondly, is an obvious and cliched resolution. I want to get in shape. Chad tells me how nice I look, but I need to "feel" it. So, I am going to watch what I eat. No radical diets. Drink more water. And exercise at least 3 times a week. I am hoping to do Yoga every day, but don't want to set the bar too high.

I had already mentioned in earlier posts about delving into my spirituality a bit more... That is proving interesting. I heard another word in trance work which I am desperately trying to figure out... It sounded like ardentstrider. I was walking in a woods, and I heard it out of no where... Very odd. I have been delving into books and old notes, but not much luck so far. So far I have come up with stridr: verkr, a strong pain. The beginning I don't get.... Will keep ya posted. In the meantime, a rune draw for the new year

This one flew out of my hand....
Eihwaz.

Endings.

This rune is often associated with death but it is never negative. It reminds us that new beginnings and fresh starts can only come after some aspect of our life has died off. It encourages us to embrace change and make the best use of the opportunities it offers.

On a cautionary note it warns us to stay alert to what is happening around us and to be prepared to defend our position.

Around it I drew:
Thurisaz

Thorn or Strength

You are supported and protected. Fate stands with you. Seek counsel before making important decisions, this is a time to ask for help - it will be there for you and may provide you with more than you expect.

The darker side of this rune may also act as a warning that the thing we need protection from is actually ourselves.

Jera

Harvest, Year

All things in life are cyclical, we can reap only what we sow. We must be prepared to nurture the seeds we plant and give them space and time enough to grow, only then will we enjoy fully the fruits of our labous.

Now may be the time to prepare for future growth.

Dagaz

Daylight, Dawn, Breakthrough

Dagaz reminds us that this is a life of balance - good & evil, dark & light - all extremes have their opposite and it is possible to move from one to the other. This is the rune of transformation, the power which is available to all of us.

It can also signify the end of dark times, as if stepping out in to the light. Success is within reach.

Wow'. All in all a very good reading. This year will hold alot of promise. Changes, but it appears that the changes are good ones...

Happy new year to you all... I am off to play World of Warcraft! lol

I guess with all the stress lately at work and the ice storm fiasco with lack of power for 3 days... I haven't really taken the time to relax and get into the mood for the holidays. I feel rushed and unready. I am questioning the fits I have bought. I feel like I haven't enough... It sucks when you don't have money this time of year. There is such a focus on the material... It makes me angry. I am just happy and content to spend time with friends and family and tip back a few... I was supposed to get of early today and be off on Xmas and Friday. I will be getting off at normal time today and will be working Friday. Yuck. I like my job, but I really just wanted a break. Maybe I will take a small vacation soon.

Anyway, I am feeling blah, I suppose the weather is partly to blame. I will perk up soon, I hope.

I did an online rune draw this morning because I forgot my own at home. I don't usually do "reverse" meanings for runes. This site does though. The reading seems to be right on for me today!

The Norn spread is used to plot the crucial elements of past, present, and future, and to reveal the evolution of the situation through the arc of time. Stone Runes are most commonly used for questions about the natural world and things beyond human control.

The left rune represents an important element of the past. Algiz plainly shows the antlers of the elk that it represents. The elk is the object of the hunt, and hence Algiz speaks to the pursuit of goals and the thrill of that pursuit. The rune is currently shown reversed, so this could suggest a failed endeavor or a lack of effort. Algiz is also representative of a protective hand (fingers open wide), so the reversed form may indicate a failed defense.

The middle rune represents a deciding element of the present. Uruz is the name of the Auroch, an extinct prehistoric ox. This animal was strong and brave, and was the focus of rites of manhood in older days. Reversed, this rune symbolizes either the lack of challenge, or the lack of preparation for a challenge. This rune suggests that you must reach deep within in order to gain the power you will need, whether to get out of your current rut, or to face what appears to be a hopeless situation.

The right rune represents the critical element of the future. Sowelu is a strong symbol, for it represents the sun. Unlike equatorial cultures who may see the sun as a harsh and imperial force capable of causing droughts, in the cold north the sun is a purely feminine force that gives life and allows crops to grow. In dark times, this rune represents clarity of sight and the victory of good over evil. Sowelu is irreversible, as the cycles of the sun and seasons are perpetual. http://www.facade.com/runes/

So, I spent the better part of the last 3 days in complete darkness. No power. No lights. We sat in darkness on the Solstice and discussed what our ancestors may have felt or done at this time of year. The hardship. The cold. The hunger. It was eye opening. My son Colin sat up and exclaimed "That is why we are celebrating the return of the sun!" I was very proud. The last few days have been very trying. We got a few inches of ice and lost power on Friday Morning around 6am. We have not had power since. We had one small room with a heater, lots of candles, and blankets. All of my food is spoiled... To make matters worse, the Assisted Living community I work at lost power as well. It has been absolutely crazy. But, again... It was an amazing Yule experience, burning our Yule log, and reflecting on why the Sun is so important to us. We also connected more with our ancestors... I had an amazing dream on Friday night... My grandmother again. I am still doing some research, but she called me a name... I will share more later. We JUST got our power back and I need to do some cleaning, shopping, etc. I will catch up more later.

"Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are."

That is a quote from a favorite "Buffy" episode... quite fitting that the episode is called "Becoming" I was watching a little Buffy tonight and yea, I find inspiration in the strangest places. :) I was so fixated on the title... "becoming". It started me thinking.

So, I sat there for a while, playing with my hair, and then started down this path of thought that took me back to my Vanic witchcraft or Germanic witchcraft days. I started thinking of wyrd and orlog. I began focusing on disir... and eventually settled on the Norns. I am not sure if any of you are familiar with the Norns, but I have been reading a blog lately (SunTiger) and she was speaking of the Norns. I think that brought back some memories. For several reasons, I had abandoned my Germanic path. We were actually in a kindred and there was turbulence and confusion as relationships were made closer and things changed. It is a long and twisted tale, but it led to infidelity and broken hearts. For a long time, I have abandoned almost all aspects of the Germanic path because of the reminders... But, today I am drawn in. Maybe it was speaking of my grandmother, going through those old family photos... Stirring my disir (Disir are defined differently by different heathens, but the way i see it is this: My Disir are my female ancestors, Goddesses in their own right. To honor the disir is to honor the matrons that came before me... as well as many of the lesser Goddesses...)

Maybe it is the approaching holidays. Association with "family time". Perhaps that is why I am feeling drawn in. I am not sure. But, I feel plugged in. Connected. Becoming.

Becoming what, you ask?

I can't wait to find out!

A rune draw for the evening:

Nauthiz- Patience is a virtue. This is not a time to force things - settle back, live in harmony and go with the flow. Delays do not mean failure, be prepared to amend your plans if necessary but only after careful consideration.

Jera- All things in life are cyclical, we can reap only what we sow. We must be prepared to nurture the seeds we plant and give them space and time enough to grow, only then will we enjoy fully the fruits of our labours.

Dagaz- Dagaz reminds us that this is a life of balance - good & evil, dark & light - all extremes have their opposite and it is possible to move from one to the other. This is the rune of transformation, the power which is available to all of us.

I will ponder this one. It makes perfect sense and it is a good reading. Definitely applies. Well, I am off to slumber. I had a really rough day.

If I am lucky, we will het the 4 inches of ICE they are calling for and I won't possibly be able to make it in to work tomorow! ;)

So, the solstice is creeping up on me quicker than I expected! We are planning a big night with rites, some good old traditional crafting fun... I think we are going to string popcorn and cranberries by the fire and have a few drinks... I have some spellwork up my sleeve as well!

I am really excited this year and hope for a good yuletide season. We don't have alot of money, but I am hoping it will be a good one, none the less...

I have most of the kids presents wrapped now... I have mentioned before that I run a Dementia care community. I decided to bring the kids presents in and help the residents wrap them. It was awesome! They were all reminiscing about the holiday seasons past and oogling over the toys we had bought for the boys. It was alot of fun! I have had a great day at work so far... and hey, I got my wrapping done! ha. Talk about killing two birds with one stone! ;)

Ugh. So it happened this weekend. I found a link in the history on my computer and my sons have been looking at "adult" websites" As far as I can tell, it only happened once according to the history... Chad and I had to sit down and talk to the boys and it was hard, but we did good. I finally made them their own internet accounts through our Verizon service where I can limit what they can look at... I am very thankful for that! Boy, these are going to be trying times! Colin is 12, thinks he has a girlfriend and we have decided to tighten up his reigns. ALOT... Funny story though... They mispelled "boobs" and "ass" on their searches, so at least they didn't get too far! lol

I don't even know how I am going to live through raising 2 teeenage boys!

So, I had another dream about a key. This time, my grandma, was holding it and calling out to me. My grandma is still alive, but has Alzheimer's. It was so vivid. I could see her, smell her, feel her there with me. She had the key and whispered words to me that I couldn't make out...

The next morning I called to check on her. My grandfather said she wanted to talk to me! She got on the phone and began speaking on her marriage and her kids. She has been married almost 65 years! Unbelievable. She kept bringing up my grandfather. I asked her how they did it... 65 years. She said " I did it for the children, honey" She told me of many times where she wished she could leave or "kill" ( I hope she was joking) my grandpa, but that she held it together for the kids because they were more important! It was a beautiful conversation. She spoke almost as a drill Sargent at times. Kept repeating to "Hang in there". And to work it out. Funny thing is, I hadn't mentioned any turbulence in my marriage. She had no idea, and yet I saw her in my dream holding that key I was desperately looking for and then sat listening as she urged me to hang in there...

Later that same day, my mom came over to watch the kids so Chad and I could go Xmas shopping. (I hate shopping this time of year!) Anyway, she came to the door lugging this huge Rubbermaid box and thunked it down in front of me. I opened it and on top was a pic of Gramma and me... I started crying. It was a huge box of pictures in frames of my life. My past, my ancestors, of me, baby me, toddler me, teenager me, my sis, my mom and dad... It rushed back all of these feelings and it made me realize that life is really hard. Like Gramma said, tough times will happen. But, you keep it together for the kids. My parents were happy way back when. My mom and dad split when I was 22. It was horrible even at 22 to go through that. I will never make my children go through that. Nothing is worth causing them pain. NOTHING. I had a long talk with my mom, family, and very close friends and they all reiterated what Gramma had said. It was a bit odd, Some of my friends had definitely been leaning one way... But, they felt that all things considered, this was my path. I have a great bunch of family and friends...

It was an interesting weekend. Full of intriguing dreams, old wedding dresses, antique boxes, pictures, and keys... My journey has changed. How my grandmother managed to come out of her confused state to send me a message so loud and clear... A blessing, I suppose. I miss her so much. I get to go and visit in a few weeks. I can't wait to hug her and hold her and Thank her.

I have been sleeping very little. I have had so much on my mind and if I even began to try and explain it here on this page, I would most likely run out of room and possibly bore many of you to tears. However, it would intrigue a few... Anyway, Just having some personal issues and again I am questioning myself in so so many ways. BIG ways. Honesty with myself has never come easy. I think I lived most of my life lying to myself to please my Dad... He was a bit manipulaitve and crazy... (That is REALLY an understatement! lol) Anyway, I think I learned at a very young age to cover up my own feelings at the expense of others. It was jsut easier that way. Now, I am 34 and I am thinking that this may not be the way in which I want to live the rest of my life. Is this making any fucking sense? Anyway, I know I am supposed to be proud to be "me". And I seriously know i am in here somewhere... For the most part, I am who I am... But then I wear all these oter hats to please others. So, a bit of honesty for today. Baby steps... In my profile, It says how I love to play Halo3. I even have my Xbox gamer card on this page. Not true. I really don't enjoy Halo. I don't necessarily enjoy the Xbox much either. My husband does and in an effort to do something "with" him, I adopted it as a semi-hobby. So, I will leave it on my profile a bit longer, just so those of you that read my crazy ramblings can see that I am not full of shit. And then, I remove it. 1 thing at a time. Sorta like a strip tease! lol... Just one item at a time, I reveal who I am. Who I REALLY am...


Paramore-
That's what you get...


No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, to take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt, so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why?
All the possibilities...
Well I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa...
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why? All the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa..
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

Pain, make your way to me. (to me)
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start... Start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.


My heart runs my show on a daily basis and I let it down alot, to try and make others happy. But, still I have been singing this all morning and it made me grin.

Yesterday was a busy day. I actually slept in though which was nice! I didn't get up til 9 and I was supposed to start the turkey at 7... Whoops! I got the bird going and started on the rest of the feast and worked my little ass off until around 3. I got to chill for a bit then and watch some TV and take a quick snooze. In the midst of all this I got a call from my mom. She is still in a behavioral health hospital. She is in an abusive relationship and instead of making the choice to leave, she has decided to lean on pharmaceuticals to get her through. She is abusing Vicodin, Xanax, Benadryl... anything that will make her sleep so she does not have to face life. Anyway, she called to tell me she was being discharged tomorrow (which is now today). She said she was going to go live with her sister in Illinois, which made me ecstatic. We all made the necessary arrangements. I went about my day. I finished my din din and had our best friends over for a feast. We sat down to eat, said what we were thankful for... among my thanksgivings was the fact that my mom was getting back on track. I took my first bite of turkey and the phone rang. Mom again. Only this time to tell me that she was going to go home instead. That her dickhead was going to stay at a friends but she wasn't ready to leave him... (Insert vomiting sound here) Then, she said the weirdest thing. She told me that she had a headache all day and she was feeling better now since "some nice lady" gave her a "VICODIN"... I hung up, ignored the whole conversation and went about my evening. We did have a great time... Who knew "turkey gobbler" would wind up being so freaking funny. We laughed, we ate, we drank, and we watched the punkin chunkin on discovery channel. It was awesome. Brenda and I both passed out!

This morning, after thinking about it... I called my mom's nurse and told her what my mom had said last night about the vicodin... I started to fear maybe someone had given her one. A visitor? a patient? How about her manipulative fuckhead of a husband with one last ditch effort to try and make her stay? Who gave her that damned pill? And why? I can't imagine it was ordered! Who would prescribe narcotics for a recovering addict?