I think I grew up believing in fairy tales and having this vast imagination, believing that all is possible. Which is odd, due to the fact that I had an emotionally abusive father and co dependent mother and life wasn't always so grand. I always just wanted everyone to be happy. When everyone was happy, then there was what resembled peace in my life. I think I got into the habit of trying very hard to please everyone else at a very young age, putting my own wants, needs, and desires aside for others. This has carried over into my adult life and I tend to "pretend" alot. I pretend that my life is fairy tale and I am happy at home, that I am fulfilled, that my marriage is good, that my kids are angels... I mean I suppose we all pretend on the exterior from time to time, to make a good impression, etc. But I am talking about self deception here. To the point of clouding my own reality. Deluding myself.... It is frustrating. I am not sick, I am not "delusional" per say, because I know I am doing it. It is a vicious cycle. I am stuck. In my own self created cyclone of lies. If I fully admit out loud that it's a sham, where am I?
I have no life. I work, I go home. I watch my kids sit around like their dad and watch the tv. If I want to go for a walk, I am made to feel guilty by my husband. Why should I want to spend time away from him? Because he is BORING me to death... My life is literally going to kill me. And all I do is sit back, watch it, deny the turmoil, and allow the devastation to eat away at my heart and flesh... I am strong. I don't know why I doubt my strength in these situations...
I am going as Snow White for Halloween...
It is quite fitting.
I wished I were living in a fairy tale. A nice one though. With a happy ending. Some day.... My prince will come.
Some day my prince will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to his castle we'll go
To be happy forever I know
Some day when spring is here
We'll find our love anew
And the birds will sing
And wedding bells will ring
Some day when my dreams come true
What am I supposed to do?! Why can I not just be happy?
Yay! my Droid X is BEAUTIFUL!!!!! and oh so nerdy. I am in love.
My horoscope today... (courtesy of the onion... )
Virgo
Nobody understands the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and on about it is torture of a whole different kind.
Do you ever feel as if no matter how hard you try to to make yourself believe that your life is complete; it will never happen? Like all the choices and mistakes you have made have led you to this final, lonely place?
I have a very good job with a great company. It is a bit overwhelming as of this moment, but I know if I continue to hang in there, it will get better and will be the job I pictured when I took it... Or am I looking at it like I do everything else and will I just end up disappointed and feeling stupid that I put my heart and soul into something that no one else really cares about? I feel like the company cares about me... But, I have been wrong before. I am so naive and want to believe the good and happy in everything. I live in a fairy tale world. I went to a psychiatrist because I am depressed. He told me I am not depressed, but yet- it is my life and my view of the world that is letting me down. Said I must find the courage to be able to make myself happy instead of worrying about everyone else around me. Actually told me to meditate and work on fixing my life and that there was no medication to help an optimist stuck in a disappointing life situation.
My marriage and family continues to disappoint me. I have worked so hard at this thing and with little to no effort on his side of it all. He gets angry when I call him out for leaving me so utterly alone even though he is physically right next to me. My husband has lupus and while I understand he may not feel well ALL of the time, it is amazing to me that he can find time and energy to do the things he enjoys or wants to, but if I ask him to do one thing for me, it is forgotten or just ignored because he was ill... I am honestly more of a monetary convenience for him I think. he isn't working and I have to support us all.... I don't know if he even begins to know me, much less love me and I feel it stabbing me in my heart every day. I don't need a fairy tale romance, I don't need alot of money, but damn it would be so nice just to feel appreciated or that I mattered on some level.
My kids are sweet, but they are learning his habits. They sleep alot, lazy around, play video games, I have to beg them to play outside. They are grouchy with me and with dad, and with each other, they complain and they feel entitled to everything for nothing. And no matter how hard I try to break this pattern, I fail. I am a bad mother because I have let them watch him and how he lives and now that they are growing into little men, maybe they feel this is how to act...
Sorry for the dribble... I am in a mood today and felt like venting. My friends have little patience with the situation and tell me to leave him. My mind and heart are the most complex I know. It is so just not that easy.
Tandem Story
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca ... and Gary ...
English 44A, SMU
Creative Writing
Professor Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish partical beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
I can breathe. Work has been so crazy, life has been a whirlwind... I am slowing myself down a bit to enjoy. Walking at the park.... It's all good.
Every time I hear this song, I choke up and cry. Just beautiful
I am a lone wolf
a beauty and a beast
both hunter and hunted
soft tounge and sharp teeth
I´m toned from my travels
yet raw from this road
as I drink from storm puddles
and the stories I´m told
Help me figure this out
help me figure you in
you´re a shadow to me
that I echo when I sing
Help me figure this out
help me figure you in
To this simple little melody
I have seen angels
they were sleeping in gutters
they were standing in bank lines
they were jumping from towers
they were calling like seagulls
but nobody heard
such a beautiful message
from such a common bird
We want freedom for ourselves
but we can´t give it to each other
We want peace between nations
yet we battle with our lovers
we´re blinded by billboards
and trying to get ahead
choking on ambition
and the words left unsaid
I am a lone wolf
a beauty and a beast
both hunter and hunted
soft tounge and sharp teeth
I´m toned from my travels
yet raw from this road
as I drink from storm puddles
and the stories I´m told
Help me figure this out
help me figure you in
you´re a shadow to me
that I echo when I sing
help me figure this out
help me figure you in
How I wish you would not enter my mind waxing and waning ...
I have thought of nothing else the last few days...
I wonder if you are okay...
Deity by wendy rule
when the moon is lit, on her eastern side and im slowly im centering,centering. when my blood is bold is bold with a waining tide and i fall and im willingly entering night, the dark the moonlight hallow its here, i found a voice to follow.
i am the maiden, i am the mother, im the crone . i am the sea i am the sky i am the blood i am the moon. never alone, never alone. when the moon is lit on her western side and shes slowly brightening,brightening. when the earth is full on a waxing tide and i breathe with its ripening sea reflected in the water the old moon held by her daughter. i am the maiden i am the mother i am the crone i am the sea i am the sky i am the blood i am the moon. never alone, never alone. (piano and guituar)... i am the maiden i am the mother i am the crone i am the sea i am the sky i am the blood i am the moon (repated). never alone, never alone.
I have been in a funk for about a month or so now. Just in a crappy mood, hard to cheer up, hard to impress. Every thing I do seems to take an enormous amount of effort. I am tired...
Work is going well. Still plugging away, but even frustrated there... Home is a mess. I am preparing to move and both homes are in disarray right now. I have no space to really call mine just yet and it is eating at me. In a few weeks that will be better. For now, I suffer. :)
The moon has been beautiful the past few nights, I sat outside late last night just soaking it up...Normally, when the moon is full I feel at my best but this month I just feel restless, unsettled.
Like a fever lying in wait
undulating to the sound of time
the dark woman of fate
singing in a quiet ryhme
Time after Time
Time after Time
Heart ripped out and bleeding
pulsating and quivering,
grabbing onto mere moments
that might restore my breathing
Stealing
Reeling
Feeling.... Nothing.