Consonants and Vowels...

Fairy Tales

2010-12-07T16:55:00.000-05:00

I think I grew up believing in fairy tales and having this vast imagination, believing that all is possible. Which is odd, due to the fact that I had an emotionally abusive father and co dependent mother and life wasn't always so grand. I always just wanted everyone to be happy. When everyone was happy, then there was what resembled peace in my life. I think I got into the habit of trying very hard to please everyone else at a very young age, putting my own wants, needs, and desires aside for others. This has carried over into my adult life and I tend to "pretend" alot. I pretend that my life is fairy tale and I am happy at home, that I am fulfilled, that my marriage is good, that my kids are angels... I mean I suppose we all pretend on the exterior from time to time, to make a good impression, etc. But I am talking about self deception here. To the point of clouding my own reality. Deluding myself.... It is frustrating. I am not sick, I am not "delusional" per say, because I know I am doing it. It is a vicious cycle. I am stuck. In my own self created cyclone of lies. If I fully admit out loud that it's a sham, where am I?

I have no life. I work, I go home. I watch my kids sit around like their dad and watch the tv. If I want to go for a walk, I am made to feel guilty by my husband. Why should I want to spend time away from him? Because he is BORING me to death... My life is literally going to kill me. And all I do is sit back, watch it, deny the turmoil, and allow the devastation to eat away at my heart and flesh... I am strong. I don't know why I doubt my strength in these situations...

Fairy Tales

2010-10-26T12:21:00.000-04:00

I am going as Snow White for Halloween...

It is quite fitting.

I wished I were living in a fairy tale. A nice one though. With a happy ending. Some day.... My prince will come.

Some day my prince will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to his castle we'll go
To be happy forever I know

Some day when spring is here
We'll find our love anew
And the birds will sing
And wedding bells will ring
Some day when my dreams come true

Ugh

2010-09-07T14:50:00.002-04:00

What am I supposed to do?! Why can I not just be happy?

Gotta droid!

2010-08-31T15:17:00.001-04:00

Yay! my Droid X is BEAUTIFUL!!!!! and oh so nerdy. I am in love.

Hahahah, that is the truth...

2010-06-15T16:12:00.001-04:00

My horoscope today... (courtesy of the onion... )

Virgo
Nobody understands the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and on about it is torture of a whole different kind.

Missing

2010-06-15T09:48:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel as if no matter how hard you try to to make yourself believe that your life is complete; it will never happen? Like all the choices and mistakes you have made have led you to this final, lonely place?

I have a very good job with a great company. It is a bit overwhelming as of this moment, but I know if I continue to hang in there, it will get better and will be the job I pictured when I took it... Or am I looking at it like I do everything else and will I just end up disappointed and feeling stupid that I put my heart and soul into something that no one else really cares about? I feel like the company cares about me... But, I have been wrong before. I am so naive and want to believe the good and happy in everything. I live in a fairy tale world. I went to a psychiatrist because I am depressed. He told me I am not depressed, but yet- it is my life and my view of the world that is letting me down. Said I must find the courage to be able to make myself happy instead of worrying about everyone else around me. Actually told me to meditate and work on fixing my life and that there was no medication to help an optimist stuck in a disappointing life situation.

My marriage and family continues to disappoint me. I have worked so hard at this thing and with little to no effort on his side of it all. He gets angry when I call him out for leaving me so utterly alone even though he is physically right next to me. My husband has lupus and while I understand he may not feel well ALL of the time, it is amazing to me that he can find time and energy to do the things he enjoys or wants to, but if I ask him to do one thing for me, it is forgotten or just ignored because he was ill... I am honestly more of a monetary convenience for him I think. he isn't working and I have to support us all.... I don't know if he even begins to know me, much less love me and I feel it stabbing me in my heart every day. I don't need a fairy tale romance, I don't need alot of money, but damn it would be so nice just to feel appreciated or that I mattered on some level.

My kids are sweet, but they are learning his habits. They sleep alot, lazy around, play video games, I have to beg them to play outside. They are grouchy with me and with dad, and with each other, they complain and they feel entitled to everything for nothing. And no matter how hard I try to break this pattern, I fail. I am a bad mother because I have let them watch him and how he lives and now that they are growing into little men, maybe they feel this is how to act...

Sorry for the dribble... I am in a mood today and felt like venting. My friends have little patience with the situation and tell me to leave him. My mind and heart are the most complex I know. It is so just not that easy.

Funny Stuff....

2010-05-25T20:09:00.000-04:00

Tandem Story
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca ... and Gary ...
English 44A, SMU
Creative Writing
Professor Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish partical beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

Elated but exhausted

2010-05-25T11:44:00.000-04:00

I am sitting in my new home, relaxing. I am in my magick room, with my pug, chilling on the couch, and feeling just great. Life is good for the moment.

I can breathe. Work has been so crazy, life has been a whirlwind... I am slowing myself down a bit to enjoy. Walking at the park.... It's all good.

A common bird lyrics- Ane Brun (written by Wendy McNeill)

2010-05-25T08:41:00.000-04:00

Every time I hear this song, I choke up and cry. Just beautiful

I am a lone wolf
a beauty and a beast
both hunter and hunted
soft tounge and sharp teeth

I´m toned from my travels
yet raw from this road
as I drink from storm puddles
and the stories I´m told

Help me figure this out
help me figure you in
you´re a shadow to me
that I echo when I sing

Help me figure this out
help me figure you in
To this simple little melody

I have seen angels
they were sleeping in gutters
they were standing in bank lines
they were jumping from towers
they were calling like seagulls
but nobody heard
such a beautiful message
from such a common bird

We want freedom for ourselves
but we can´t give it to each other
We want peace between nations
yet we battle with our lovers

we´re blinded by billboards
and trying to get ahead
choking on ambition
and the words left unsaid

I am a lone wolf
a beauty and a beast
both hunter and hunted
soft tounge and sharp teeth

I´m toned from my travels
yet raw from this road
as I drink from storm puddles
and the stories I´m told

Help me figure this out
help me figure you in

you´re a shadow to me
that I echo when I sing

help me figure this out
help me figure you in

Hey You.

2010-05-21T15:05:00.000-04:00

How I wish you would not enter my mind waxing and waning ...

I have thought of nothing else the last few days...

I wonder if you are okay...

Deity- song in my head

2010-04-29T18:46:00.000-04:00

Deity by wendy rule

when the moon is lit, on her eastern side and im slowly im centering,centering. when my blood is bold is bold with a waining tide and i fall and im willingly entering night, the dark the moonlight hallow its here, i found a voice to follow.
i am the maiden, i am the mother, im the crone . i am the sea i am the sky i am the blood i am the moon. never alone, never alone. when the moon is lit on her western side and shes slowly brightening,brightening. when the earth is full on a waxing tide and i breathe with its ripening sea reflected in the water the old moon held by her daughter. i am the maiden i am the mother i am the crone i am the sea i am the sky i am the blood i am the moon. never alone, never alone. (piano and guituar)... i am the maiden i am the mother i am the crone i am the sea i am the sky i am the blood i am the moon (repated). never alone, never alone.

Still nothing

2010-04-02T10:15:00.000-04:00

I have been in a funk for about a month or so now. Just in a crappy mood, hard to cheer up, hard to impress. Every thing I do seems to take an enormous amount of effort. I am tired...

Work is going well. Still plugging away, but even frustrated there... Home is a mess. I am preparing to move and both homes are in disarray right now. I have no space to really call mine just yet and it is eating at me. In a few weeks that will be better. For now, I suffer. :)

The moon has been beautiful the past few nights, I sat outside late last night just soaking it up...Normally, when the moon is full I feel at my best but this month I just feel restless, unsettled.

Nothing

2010-03-03T12:09:00.000-05:00

Like a fever lying in wait
undulating to the sound of time
the dark woman of fate
singing in a quiet ryhme

Time after Time

Time after Time

Heart ripped out and bleeding
pulsating and quivering,
grabbing onto mere moments
that might restore my breathing

Stealing

Reeling

Feeling.... Nothing.

Busy, Busy

2009-12-21T14:11:00.000-05:00

Wow.... The last 2 weeks have been a blur. Holiday bliss, buying xmas gifts, baking, etc... And then in the middle of it all, I got a promotion at work and am now doing some regional corporate level education as well as managing my own building... I got to fly out to NY last week and spend some time there.. First time on a plane by myself. I did good though. I was really scared, but now that I have done it, I feel liberated! :)

Full Moon Fever

2009-12-01T14:36:00.000-05:00

Boy oh Boy...

No sleep last night. Full Moon tomorrow... Which means even less sleep tonight.

It is so weird. Last night, my skin was ON FIRE. My husband brushed by me and touched my arm. He thought I had a fever. This happens every full moon. My skin gets hot, I don't sleep, and I get REALLY hungry, especially for red meat...

Yep- Lycanthrope... :)

Man, I want a steak for dinner tonight!!!!!

Frustrated

2009-12-01T11:51:00.000-05:00

Work is crazy. Like uber crazy. I am trying to remain calm.

Sitting here crunching schedules, budgets, and regulations... and then I hear it...

Prince- Let's Go Crazy

That song always makes me laugh....

Clarification:

2009-12-01T11:47:00.002-05:00

When I said I was thinking about being with my friend "Michele"... I wasn't seriously contemplating a relationship with her. Just wanted to make that note. We joke around alot. But I don't know that I am built that way... :)

Date Night

2009-11-21T09:18:00.001-05:00

The last few months in my marriage have been really rough to say the least. Hell, even the last several years... But worse lately.

My friend Michele and I have grown very close and I am able to count on her for about anything.

We have these "date nights" every now and again. It drives my husband crazy, because I go out without him. We always have so much fun. We take turns paying kinda like a real date. We have gone to dinner, for walks, horseback riding, to wineries... All of the things I can't get my husband to do. :)

Tonight, we do dinner and a movie. The new Twilight movie followed by din din...

My husband is grouchy about it which will make the day long. He is very controlling and does not want me to have fun, I don't think... Anyhoo.... He is jealous of Michele and I as well. Her and I always laugh when we are together and have so much fun. Plus Michele is bisexual and he has been convinced she is going to make a move and I will become gay too... Boy, that would put a dent in his ego...lol. It's not like I haven't thought about it. She's adorable, sweet, and is financially responsible, works hard, owns her own home, and damn, she knows me better than I know me sometimes. We have this link and she usually knows when I am in trouble or sad, etc. She's my best friend.

I am glad to have her in my life.

Dream last night

2009-11-19T09:04:00.000-05:00

I had a great dream last night. I dreamt that I was sleeping peacefully, which I actually did for the first time in who knows how long last night. I dreamt that I was dreaming... Isnt that a weird one? But, in my dreams dream, I was in an open meadow with the sun shining on me. I was sitting in the tall grass which didn't scratch or tickle, I remember telling the people there how soft the grass was. The sun was huge and yellow and bright, but I could look right into it. As I turned to my right, my friend Michele kissed my cheek and told me to just enjoy myself, have fun, and be at peace. It was like I think an acid trip would be. Peace signs started floating around my head and It was beautiful, like butterflies.

Later I dreamt that I rolled over in my bed and a feeling of dread came over me as I tried not to stir the sleeping grouch beside me. I rolled over quietly only to be tickle jumped by someone suprising. We laughed until I fell back asleep. I awoke today feeling awesome and refreshed.

You're so Last Summer.... Taking Back Sunday

2009-11-19T08:39:00.000-05:00

"You're So Last Summer"

She said
"don't, don't let it go to your head
Boys like you are a dime a dozen,
Boys like you are a dime a dozen"
She said
"you're a touch overrated,
you're a lush and I hate it
but these grass stains on my knees
they won't mean a thing"

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm something you'll be missing
(is that I'm something that you're missing)
(maybe I should hate you for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate you for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm something you'll be missing
(is that I'm something that you're missing)
(maybe I should hate you for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate you for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...

Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name
Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (Maybe I should...)
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar (...hate you for this)

Maybe I should hate you for this
(If only you knew half as much as you pretend to)
Maybe I should hate you for this
(If only you knew half as much as you pretend to)

One rune...

2009-11-18T16:14:00.000-05:00

A Single rune is used to gain a quick insight into what drives the situation, or to reduce it to the most concise summary possible. The rune represents the critical factor in the issue at hand. Gebo means gift, and like any gifts, the rune may be understood on many levels. Gifts are generally positive things, for both the giver and the recipient. In many cultures however, gifts and favors carry with them an obligation to respond in kind. It is for this reason that gifts, and hence the rune Gebo, are frequently symbolic of friendships, marriages, alliances, mergers, and other bonds between people or organizations. Gebo is a strong rune and the unions represented are strong as well. Moreover, Gebo is not reversible, as true friendships are not easily undone.

139 in a friend's dream

2009-11-18T11:08:00.000-05:00

139

1

3

9

Interesting. The concept of spellwork discussion recently. If I do a spell alone, it is basically my power, my intent. When my girls get together, there are 3 of us. So then, we have 3... But we also say by the power of 3 times 3... Because we like 9. It is a good magickal number...
So, what then is 139... But an awesome number?

I don't know why, but the number sticks in my throat when I say it. I wonder if it means more than I think. Hell, it wasn't my dream! :)

TEA?

2009-11-12T10:17:00.003-05:00

Tea
To dream that you are making or drinking tea, represents satisfaction and contentment in your life. You are taking your time with regards to some relationship or situation.

Cookies
To dream that you are eating, giving, receiving, or stealing cookies signifies that you will let trivial problems and minor disputes annoy you.

So Tired

2009-10-30T09:22:00.000-04:00

Today, I awoke refreshed, even before the alarm went off. This is surprising as my wonderful family was up making noise past 11 and I got very little sleep! :(

But, now... I am exhausted again. I have just gotten over the flu. H1N1, no doubt. Fever, chills, cough, vomiting, etc... It has lasted 5 days. I don't have a fever so far today... But, I am wiped out.

I am having a Samhain ritual at my house tonight, approx 8 people are coming. I am excited, but at this moment... Want to go to sleep. Badly.

My thoughts for Samhain

2009-10-29T15:04:00.001-04:00

Soon, we celebrate Samhain. The word means” summers end” The wheel turns as we glide into the dark… the cold. The colorful leaves dance in the cool, fragrant autumn breeze as the golden sun shine glitters. The days from here continue to grow shorter, the nights longer as the sun departs slowly to leave us in the cold. The last of the harvests. In more ancient times, we would be rushing to finish bringing in the last of our harvests, packing away and storing food for the long, cold winter to follow. Gathering wood for fires to keep us warm, fiber to keep our bodies warm.. This was extremely hard work and as we know, mother nature can be unpredictable so a sense of rush to get the harvest in and be ready for the cold. Samhain was then a celebration that the last of the harvests were in, that they were ready for the coming weather and it was a time of relaxation and rest.

The veil between our world and the spirit world has grown thin at this time. Allowing us to reach out to the ancestors who have passed before us. As we look at the passing of the sun and the warmth, we acknowledge the turning of the wheel and the passing of the seasons as well as the progression and passing of our own lives. That wheel spins regardless of whether we stop to acknowledge it.

This is yet another time for introspection… Looking within as well as without. Where are you? What have we done with our lives, where are we going? Are we happy? What do we “need “ to be happy. Where do we “want” out lives to go? Who do we want to be? In looking forward to the fall and winter… Instead of preparing our harvest… We look at things according to modern times…. What do we need to do to prepare ourselves…

Imagine, if you will a pantry cupboard. Bare, empty. Now, imagine you are that cupboard. What have you placed inside yourself? What do you hold dear? What things do you need to clear out of there in order to be “Ready”… What do you need to harvest?

Just a glimmer

2009-10-29T14:59:00.000-04:00

A few months ago, I felt as if someone had pulled a rug out from underneath me... No hopes, No dreams... The last few weeks, I have felt this building strength inside... And, now, my hope is returning... bit by bit... It may be just a glimmer... But, it is something!

My muse... is back.

Runes Drawn today

2009-10-29T10:39:00.003-04:00

Gebo

Ansuz

Nauthiz

Yikes... Am I in for a ride! :)

Gebo means gift... well, I see it as a gift for a gift normally- Almost like a karmic present- "What goes around comes around..." While it also represents relationships, unions.. etc. In relation to that, I believe when Gebo is drawn in regards to a relationship issue- which it was... It means that it is hard to undo- As Gebo cannot be reversed... However-

Combine that with Ansuz- the intuition I feel, the spoken word of my Gods, The voice of reason which is whispered on the wind... Yes, I am listening an paying close attention. I am seeing many things and clarity in this situation is sad and scary yet liberating as well.

And Nauthiz- That's a loaded rune for me... But, I see it today. It's tricky. Nauthiz can be a negative rune and stand for loss and sorrow. It can also stand for repeated mistakes- a lesson that has gone unlearned. It could mean many things. Things that I am not maybe ready to heed. But, what I see form this today is this: There are things in life that I need. That the kids NEED. Not wants. I am NOT a material person contrary to popular belief. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the finer things to an extent, but I don't expect to be covered in jewels, and designer clothing. But, I do need to feel loved. I need some stimulation- no, not sexual- but, intellectual. I need to be surrounded by something positive in my life, to feel alive, not as a withering autumn leaf... I feel dead inside- my heart lays still awaiting a miracle to revive it. My children, lifeless... I see it in their eyes... I need to be able to pay my bills and not see my hard worked money tossed out the window without a care- I have worked hard to find the career I have. I have met my goals professionally, and I am trying to be an example to my kids... I need to feel as if I have more of an equal instead of someone who wishes to ride my coat tails and is perfectly happy unemployed living off of the help of others... Wow, That's alot of need. There are times, I feel like a vacuum- an empty vacuum- void of alot of what I "need".

Okay, Universe

2009-08-12T15:43:00.000-04:00

So, today has been an interesting day. Hubby apologizing up and down for what and arse he has been...

State is in our building for their annual inspection. Nerve wracking, but it seems to be going well... They plan on exiting tomorrow.

Just in time for me to leave for Chicago!! We are taking Colin to see a Cubs game. Staying at the Palmer House Hilton for 70 bucks a night! :) Good Ol Priceline! I am excited. Getting my hair cut tonight and taking off tomorrow! Plan on lots of pics!!! :)

Should have gone with the girls

2009-08-09T09:52:00.003-04:00

My husband worked 8 days in a row last week. 12 hour shifts, so he worked and slept. I BARELY saw him. So he exclaims that Sat night is a date night and he wants to go for dinner because he misses me. I was excited. I got "gussied" up and waited for him to be ready. We left the house early because we needed to run some errands, I needed a new pair of sun glasses, mine were ruined, and prescriptions... We took the jeep with the top off and it started out great. He tells me he had this awesome dream that we went to best buy and bought him new desktop computer. I chortled. I know this is not a possibility financially and furthermore, who just goes and buys a computer for no reason. I have spent hundreds of dollars fixing up the computer we have as he requested each item, new keyboard, mouse, monitor, even a 150 dollar video card, new sound card... Anyway, I didn't say much when he mentioned his dream. I was thinking instead of dinner and our night together. He pulls in to best buy. Says he needs a new ipod transmitter for his Jeep... The other one works fine but doesn't charge his iPod, so I tell him he should charge it at home every night then and we move along, then he is staring at the computers. Seriously. I think he has lost it. We are planning a vacation trip to Chicago next weekend which is going to cost us, I have yet to buy back to school clothes for the boys, and I have bills to pay. He has no concept of where money goes. Said he checked our bank balance and we have enough... I had to say no, he began to pout as a child. He moved on down the aisle where he began begging for a mouse for the computer which cost 150 bucks... I politely explained that we have two at home that work just fine. I swear he stomped his foot and said "FINE, let's just go then". I was aghast. I followed him to the Jeep and he continued pouting. Would not talk to me except to say that I have been spending money and it is not fair that he doesn't get to buy something.... ? I went to the eye Dr 6 months late and got glasses and contacts, I bought Colin a new pair of shoes because his were falling apart, I spoiled myself and bought some shower gel instead of using his deodorant soap, OH and I did buy 2 pairs of khakis for work as I had only one pair of nice ones and since I was promoted thought I should look nice. AND I bought a Harry Potter book, which I have already finished.. :) I guess I did buy stuff, He bought a new shirt, a new iPod case, and 2 movies.... AND we went out o the movies at is request and out for dinner with the family which was an expensive excursion. Anyway, none of this matters. He is acting like a child, barely spoke at dinner and then ended up yelling, screaming at the kids last night, hauled off and hit Colin... and I think all of this stemmed from the fact that he didn't get what he wanted. Funny thing was, I thought he "wanted" me. To spend time with "me"...I suppose I was wrong.

I should have gone out with the girls instead. Now I understand why Michele was so persistent... :)

The Moon and all it's glory

2009-08-07T08:56:00.002-04:00

Every month, I am fascinated by the effects that the full moon has on civilization. I work in an assisted living community and the residents and families seem more demanding and harder to redirect... Behaviors in our dementia community become worse.

I myself don't sleep for 3 days or so and really crave red meat. I am full of energy bordering on mania... But when I sit outside and watch the moon I am filled with this tranquil peace. Last night, I caught sight of it through misty clouds and headed outside to sit and watch it, to be at peace. I was stopped by my husband who didn't want to go outside and then became angry with me for wanting a few stolen moon moments for myself. He was off work and wants me to spend every waking second at his side... I went outside anyway, but my solace was ruined.

I did dream about it though, that was cool.

My dreams for the night...

2009-08-06T10:37:00.002-04:00

I dreamt about work mostly. I dreamt about a fight with the dietary department which actually just happened. I also had a dream about my diary, which I don't feel like sharing at this point...

It was a weird night.

Mornings...Schmornings.

2009-08-05T09:42:00.002-04:00

Well, I had a few too many fat tires last night. It was fun though. I sat with my boss and a corporate guy at the bar and drank beer and played trivia at B Dubs... It was a blast. I kicked some trivia ass! :)

Today, I have alot of work today and I am NOT motivated. I am hungry and need coffee. All I have is mini candy bars... Ugh.

I got alot of kudos last night from my boss about how well I am doing. That felt nice. They both said they were glad my predecessor was gone and couldn't believe the difference in the staff, building, etc since I took over. Even the budget is in line! ;)

I guess I can maybe do this after all! ;)

Out with the boys...

2009-08-04T17:04:00.000-04:00

Goin out with the corporate fellas from work tonight. Gonna buy me beer and wings. Mmmmmmmmmmm... Fat Tire. ;)

I am excited. Could use some R&R.

Runes this am

2009-08-04T08:38:00.001-04:00

The Fork spread is used at critical turning points, to understand the dynamics of an important decision. Jade Runes are most commonly used for questions about love, friendship, and relationships.

The left rune represents the first possible outcome. Man represents Mankind. This rune evokes the image that although we must make much of our way in the world on our own, there is nevertheless an entire populous that shares similar experiences. Thus, this rune represents the relationship of the self with the whole - working together we can produce great results. Additionally, Man speaks to intellect and culture that separate us from the animals.

The right rune represents the second possible outcome. Tyr is the symbol of the warrior. This rune most represents masculine force and potency, and frequently victory in battle. Beware though, for this rune represents directly the Norse god whose name it bears - Tyr stands out in legend for having sacrificed his hand that he might bind Fenrir, a monstrous wolf that threatens to swallow the world. As such, this rune is known to portend a great victory that can be bought with a terrible sacrifice. Tyr is also the god of law, frequently placed in such position above Odin. In this aspect, protection of justice may be had by this rune.

The bottom rune represents the critical factor that determines what will come to pass. Thurisaz the thorn represents barriers and senseless violence. Here we see the thorn overturned. This could mean that erected barriers will not hold, or that senseless violence can be avoided. Also, remember where thorns are found - perhaps this rune portends that a goal can be obtained easily and without interference. Grasp for the rose...

Runes for tonight...

2009-08-03T22:16:00.001-04:00

The Diamond spread reveals the dynamic forces at work in a situation. It is the spread of choice for understanding a hidden conflict. Gold Runes are most commonly used for questions about business, career, and property.
The bottom rune represents the foundation that forms the basis of the issue. Raido means to ride. In this rune, the image is not so much the riding of a horse as in riding in a cart or as cargo. As such Raido may suggest a journey, but is much more indicative of communication. Alternate interpretations based on the use of Raido as a cognate in other words give it the meaning of council, judgment, and moral correctness. Therefore, this rune is the rune of wise advice and good leadership.
The left rune represents one of the forces acting on the issue at hand. Isa is the rune symbolizing Ice - cold, stagnant, frozen, and unchanging. This rune suggests heat removed not just from anger or conflict, but from passion as well. Paradoxically, Isa conveys images of slippery slopes and unsure footing, but also of circumstances that have crystallized and become utterly immutable. Remember that in the cold north, ice is not just THE challenge to be overcome, but the very nature of the environment. Be courageous, for you work against this element every day. Will you fight alone or with others against this, our common foe? Is there much worse than lack of change?
The right rune represents another of the forces acting on the issue at hand. Sowelu is a strong symbol, for it represents the sun. Unlike equatorial cultures who may see the sun as a harsh and imperial force capable of causing droughts, in the cold north the sun is a purely feminine force that gives life and allows crops to grow. In dark times, this rune represents clarity of sight and the victory of good over evil. Sowelu is irreversible, as the cycles of the sun and seasons are perpetual.
The top rune represents the conclusion to which your strivings can carry you. Inguz is the rune of completion and fertility. The presence of this rune suggests that tasks which have been initiated will come to fruition. This rune is associated with Ing and Frey, it is this connection that explains its connotations of both fertility and sexuality. The variant of this rune shown here is reminiscent of the twin strands of life, and of the challenge and rewards of bringing together things complimentary.

Well, this makes ALOT of sense given my day. This is all about the job, baby. I will get there. It just might take a few more late nights to clean up what my predecessor left for me! :)

E - Gads and new glasses...

2009-08-03T22:03:00.003-04:00

What a day... I didn't sit down all damned day... I went in at 830am, got off at 930pm. No break whatsoever. Chad had to run Colin out to me when he went to work. Colin got to play the Wii with the seniors! lol Chad was nice enough to bring me some McDonalds. Ugh. I am exhausted. I got alot done though, I am thankful for that at least. Tomorrow will be busy as well, but hopefully not scary busy! lol

I got home, its raining and the moon is huge darting in and out of the rain clouds, thunder, lightning... I am going to head straight to bed and drift off into dream... I hope they are good!

I got new glasses today. I will upload a photo...

Runes of the day...

2009-07-31T08:44:00.000-04:00

The Cross spread is used to plot the arc of your life and the forces acting on it. It is the most popular spread, giving a very complete view of the situation. Stone Runes are most commonly used for questions about the natural world and things beyond human control.

The left rune represents an important element of the past. Man refers to Mankind and your interaction with the whole of human population. This rune is reversed, suggesting a separation from your fellow man. There is a lack of harmony in your interaction with others, either because you do not accept society or society does not accept you. Alternatively, this rune may also represent your separation from nature, and your ability to rise above the base level of being. As the rune is reversed, this may suggest an incomplete level of spiritual attainment or an intellectual block.

The middle rune represents a deciding element of the present. Ansuz is the spoken word of God. This rune is reversed, indicating that you are misunderstanding the divine voice or failing to hear it all. The word is always correct, so you must strive, whatever the difficulty, to hear correctly. Be wary of the advice you are given, for it may prove incorrect. Do not attribute infallibility to fallible sources...

The top rune represents a force that works for you. Wunjo is the rune of joy. The reversal of this rune suggests that joy is withheld. Since joy is frequently communal, this rune often suggests loneliness. Alternatively, some have seen Wunjo as the rune of perfection and the rune of the gods. Therefore this rune reversed could signal a feeling of separation from one's deity, or as imperfection in an important work.

The bottom Rune represents a force that works against you. Ger is one of the runes that touches on the cycles of the year, in this case the fall harvest. These cycles are eternal, which is represented in the rune by the fact that it is unchanged by reversal. Ger can represent pregnancy or other forms of fruitfulness, and is especially indicative of the cycles of providence and karma - that which has been sown is now being reaped. This rune can also represent the cycles of wealth, for crops were frequently a sign of wealth.

The right rune represents the critical element of the future, at the core of the final outcome. Nyd is frequently seen as a powerfully negative rune. You have drawn the rune reversed, which will lessen some of its effects. Generally Nyd represents loss, sorrow, and a hard journey with lessons learned. Nyd reversed here might be cautioning that the lessons might go unheeded representing repeated mistakes. The rune here might also be representing a minor loss or a nearly avoided catastrophe. Be careful, things are tricky and require strong attentiveness.

Last night

2009-07-31T08:31:00.003-04:00

Harry Potter was Awesome!!! I loved it. I hadn't read this book yet. I enjoye dit very much and already see the plot continuing and KNOW that Harry wil work with his Godfather Sirius's brother to destroy Voldemort. (I haven't even read the books!) I am just that smart. ;)

We went to dinner at O'Charley's and then to the movie. I had wanted to see the 745 but Chad had shoppign to do , so we went later. It sucked because I had to be up at 5am for a nursing meeting that some dumbass Director of Nursing scheduled... (That would be me)... lol

I am tired today. Exhausted. Did not sleep well last night at all. Tossed and turned. Waves of nausea and I dreamt I was pregnant. I wonder who close to me will die... Everytime I have dreamt I was prego, someone I knew died... And when I dream that people die, I am pregnant! lol Seriously. I was sitting under a tree again pregnant and it was storming. But the tree protected me from the wind, the rain, lightning, etc. It is a crazy looking tree which I see... and I think I finally realized where I have seen it before...

My tattoo on my back... I designed this from the tree of life pics I had found and we placed the Goddess in the middle... Do you see her shape? Brenda had the same exact tat....

Life should be really exciting right now, but I am just so empty. Here at work, I am vivacious and crazy. When I get home, I shut down. It's sad. I will get through it.

Brenda is coming over tonight to finish writing Lammas rite and drink beer... Yay!

Excerpt- On the radio... Regina

2009-07-30T15:55:00.000-04:00

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

And on the radio
You hear, 'November Rain'
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep

On the radio, on the radio
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio, uh oh
On the radio, uh oh, on the radio

My rune draw- per computer... :)

2009-07-30T13:44:00.000-04:00

The Fork spread is used at critical turning points, to understand the dynamics of an important decision. Stone Runes are most commonly used for questions about the natural world and things beyond human control.

The left rune represents the first possible outcome. Isa is the rune symbolizing Ice - cold, stagnant, frozen, and unchanging. This rune suggests heat removed not just from anger or conflict, but from passion as well. Paradoxically, Isa conveys images of slippery slopes and unsure footing, but also of circumstances that have crystallized and become utterly immutable. Remember that in the cold north, ice is not just THE challenge to be overcome, but the very nature of the environment. Be courageous, for you work against this element every day. Will you fight alone or with others against this, our common foe? Is there much worse than lack of change?

The right rune represents the second possible outcome. Eoh refers to the Yew tree. The Yew does not go dormant and therefore represents endurance. Even the wood of the tree is strong, resilient, and pliable - the Yew bends, but does not break. The evergreen nature of the Yew is present even in the rune itself, as it cannot be changed even by reversal. This rune is historically symbolic of death, but, as in the Tarot and as suggested by the nature of the Yew tree itself, death is seen only as a transmutation of something eternal and unchanging - the spirit.

The bottom rune represents the critical factor that determines what will come to pass. Man represents Mankind. This rune evokes the image that although we must make much of our way in the world on our own, there is nevertheless an entire populous that shares similar experiences. Thus, this rune represents the relationship of the self with the whole - working together we can produce great results. Additionally, Man speaks to intellect and culture that separate us from the animals.

Overkill... Men at work. I have heard this song twice today... It fits I guess.

2009-07-30T13:40:00.001-04:00

I cant get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perahaps its just my imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
Its time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least theres pretty lights
And though theres little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

I cant get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Its just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Upon finding Nauthiz

2009-07-30T11:01:00.003-04:00

I wondered how and/or why and where it was left... Just a small piece of wood with 2 lines. Yet filled with magic and meaning. Months ago, it could have been dropped? Left behind? or placed deliberately? not maliciously...? I discovered it a few months ago and it has been driving me crazy!

Freaking lines... Yet so much more. Conner found it and brought it to me. I stopped in my tracks, sat down, and tried to catch my breath. He looked worried, and asked me what it was.

Does ANYONE have any thoughts on how a rune, which was not mine, ended up in my home? Anybody? Anybody? .... Bueller?.... B-u-e-l-l-e-r?... lol

Defined

2009-07-30T10:55:00.000-04:00

stu⋅pid

Use stupid in a Sentence

–adjective

1.	lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.

2.	characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.

3.	tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless: a stupid party.

4.	annoying or irritating; troublesome: Turn off that stupid radio.

5.	in a state of stupor; stupefied: stupid from fatigue.

6.	Slang. excellent; terrific.

–noun

7.	Informal. a stupid person.

2 lines

2009-07-30T08:29:00.002-04:00

Last night I dreamt again. 2 lines. So insignificant until crossed and left in my magic room. I just keep wondering what it all means and what the intent was... and if it backfired.

My dream was pleasant, but again, estranged feeling. But it was peaceful and light. I remember the laughter bubbling up... lol

Nauthiz

Constraint
Necessity
Pain

The necessity of dealing with severe Constraint ls the lesson of Nauthiz. The positive aspects of this Rune represent the limitations we directly cause ourselves; its negative side attracts limitations from those around us. Both are equally difficult to handle.

The role of Nauthiz is to identify our shadow, our dark and repressed side, places where growth has been stunted, resulting in weaknesses that we project onto others. Don't take this world personally, this Rune is saying: Work with the shadow, examine what: inside you magnetizes misfortune into your life. When at last you can look upon Nauthiz with a smile, you will recognize the troubles denials, and setbacks of life as your teachers, guides and allies.

The need for restraint is unquestionable here. Drawing this Rune indicates that there will be holdups, reasons to reconsider your plans carefully. There is work to be done on your self. So take it on with good will and show perseverance.

This is a time to pay off old debts, to restore, if not harmony, at least balance. So mend, restore, redress - when fishermen can't go to sea they repair nets. Let the Constraints of the time serve you in righting your relationship to your Self. Be mindful that rectification comes before progress. And once again, consider the uses of adversity.

Reversed: As part of the Cycle of initiation, Nauthiz is the great teacher disguised as the bringer of pain and limitation. It has been said that only at the point of greatest darkness do we become aware of the Light within us by which we come to recognize the true creative power of the self.

When something within us is disowned, that which is disowned wreaks havoc. A cleansing is re- quired here; in undertaking it you fund a will and strengthen character. Begin with what is most difficult and proceed to what is easy. Or, conversely, begin with what is easy and proceed to what is most difficult. Either way, remember that "suffering," in its original sense, merely meant "undergoing." Thus you are re- quired to undergo the dark side of your passage, and bring it in to the Light. Controlling your anger, restrain- ing your impulses, keeping your faith firm - all this is at issue here. Modesty and good temper are essential at such a time.

	*Nauthiz*	Magic Use
	constraint need, sorrow hardship	removing unwanted influences, breaking destructive patterns

Upright: The necessity of earning to deal with severe restraint. Identify your shadows, your dark or repressed side. Look where growth has been stunted resulting in weakness. Pay of old debts, mend repair and redress, restore balance. Rectification must precede progress. Consider the uses of adversity.	Reversed: Pain and limitation is the great teacher in disguise. Only in the greatest darkness is the true creative power of the self recognized. A cleansing is needed. Begin with the most difficult and proceed to the easy; or vice versa. Suffering is merely an undergoing. Modesty and good temper will stand you in good stead at this very challenging time of your life.
Meanings: poverty, hardship, responsibility, discontent, obstacle, constraint, frustration, delays, innovation, survival, endurance, patience, recognition of one's fate, face your fears

Oy... Whatever

2009-07-30T08:20:00.002-04:00

Maybe I should see a Dr.... I cried in my driveway for 20 minutes last night talking to my mom. I didn't even want to go in. (Despite my new phone being just inside! ;) ) I finally just sucked it up and went inside. The house was TRASHED. The kids were chasing each other and screaming, They had been "folding" laundry, it was all over the living room, it appeared as if they were launching clothing grenades at each other as if in a war... Husband sleeping upstairs. They hadn't eaten lunch or had their medication for the day. I just cried some more... Started dinner, I made sloppy joes, homemade. They were so much better than the pre made stuff. Then I left. I drove for about an hour, listened to the radio, it pissed me off too, so I drove in silence. I picked up a couple (2 only) beers at Belmont. My Mothership wit that I love so much...

By the time I got home, the kids had the laundry folded and they were apologetic. Husband still sleeping. Apparently he had stayed up intil 11 am playing computer games, so I was on my own until he got up. We ate dinner and then I played with my new phone. I really like it alot! I deserve it. (I got it for free... :) ) So, you can't beat that.

Shitty Day

2009-07-29T16:29:00.002-04:00

This has been a supremely shitty day. I had alot to do today, had a nurse and an aide call in. Not to mention that I had to work for 2 hours on my husbands FMLA paperwork, because he "forgot" and if it wasn't turned in today, he could lose his job!!!!! UGH. Ya know, I am tired of doing it all. I had to shrug off work duties here today at a NEW job in order to save his ass!~ I wonder if he will appreciate it.

He has Lupus. Anyone know alot about this disorder? I am trying to learn. It is limiting so much... He can't be in the sun and I LOVE to be outdoors... He is always tired and just wants to lay on the couch or play video games. He does NO work around the house. He eats, sleeps, and goes to work when he feels "well" enough. And here I am doing it ALL... I am tired, depressed. I have been crying alot. Trying to pay bills with money we don't have because he was home sick instead of working. Last night I drank myself to sleep. That is NOT good. That raspberry vodka was tasty, but seriously... Ok, OK.... I am done. NOBODY hear wants to listen to this whining. I have made my bed. I guess I have to just deal. If anyone knows about lupus, any info would be appreciated. I feel like a bitch even complaining, but how am I supposed to deal with this?

I am off to go home. My other job. My poor kids. I have to break out of this funk. I heard my new phone came today! I am a nerd and got a blackberry curve. I have had a pearl and wanted a bit of an upgrade. My job pays for this one! I guess that is a cool thing that happened today. So, tonight, I will play with my new phone and enter all the contacts, etc. YAY!

Feeling Sappy...

2009-07-29T12:50:00.000-04:00

Sappy lyrics
Songwriters: Cobain, Kurt;

And if you save yourself
You will make him happy
He'll keep you in a jar
And you'll think you're happy

He'll give you breathing holes
And you'll think you're happy
He'll cover you with grass
And you'll think you're happy now

You're in a laundry room
You're in a laundry room
The clue that came to you, oh

And if you cut yourself
You will think you're happy
He'll keep you in a jar
Then you'll make him happy

He'll give you breathing holes
Then you'll think you're happy
He'll cover you with grass
Then you'll think you're happy now

You're in a laundry room
You're in a laundry room
The clue that came to you, oh

You're in a laundry room
You're in a laundry room
The clue that came to you, oh

And if you fool yourself
You will make him happy
He'll keep you in a jar
Then you'll think you're happy

He'll give you breathing holes
Then you will seem happy
You'll wallow in the shit
Then you'll think you're happy now

You're in a laundry room
You're in a laundry room
You're in a laundry room
The clue that came to you, oh

On a ride

2009-07-29T12:14:00.002-04:00

I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride and today, I feel like I want to hop right off!

This job is crazy. I keep hearing how good I am at it. :) The main issue is that the woman who I took over for was a nightmare and I am having to get all of her shit caught up as well as reorganize EVERYTHING!!!! :) I just keep on chugging. Today, I would like to escape and just go sit underneath a big tree on a blanket in the shade and watch the leaves dance and the sky wander by. Maybe pack a picnic, because I am hungry... :) Geez, that sounds so nice.

My kids are driving me crazy. Colin just turned 13 and it is like his brain has turned off... He can't follow rules, he is testing me at every turn. And Conner.... Well, he is just Conner. They fight non-stop and mess up the house. I think that is their job in life right now: To drive me CRAZY! lol!

My husband is still sick off and on with this Lupus stuff, and I feel like I am doing everything myself! Ever feel like you just don't have a partner? Like you're all alone. It won't get done if I don't do it! Bills, Housework, appointments, RX refills, Shopping, and working 60-70 hrs a week on top of that!! (Grumble Grumble)

The only peace I get is in my sleep, my dreams, and my daydreams. :) I am trying to delve into my spirituality... or lack there of. I feel very uninspired. Tired. Empty.

Settling in

2009-07-28T07:57:00.002-04:00

Well, obviously in any type of management position, there is a certain re-organization that occurs. From the biggest details, (for example, I have had to fire 3 people... :( ) down to the nitty gritty details, like re-arranging my office and sneaking in the sage to get rid of all my predecessor's icky, negative energy! lol. I have been very busy and so tired. No time for myself. I worked 70 hours last week, did all the bills, the shopping, the housework, etc. I finally broke down and demanded help. So, things will hopefully improve. I know my husband has lupus, but that doesn't mean he can't fold a little laundry, right?!!! :)

Today, I awoke rejuvenated. I had a nice dream last night. Unexpected and a bit squirmy at first, but I settled in and it felt nice. Old, familiar scenery...

Anyway, My life is shaping up. One small, minute detail at a time!

Money is finally getting better. Slowly, but surely. It is mostly trying to keep my husband from recklessly spending all of our hard earned cash on silly shit. Like cigaretttes! :( Although, I have my own vices. Starbucks being one of them. :)

I took the kids to Flat top for dinner last night, that was fun. I am still disgusted by the combinations that they put in their bowls... Conner put noodles, edamame, pineapple, and teryiaki sauce... Ick. He ate the whole bowl. I went for the chicken, a bucnh of veggies and the black bean garlic sauce, over brown rice. It was yummy.

This weekend, I am having some friends over to celebrate Lammas. Opening my circle a bit. It should be interesting. I have a few extra friends I invited and a pagan fella from work. Should be fun. I shall get some beer and some veggies to celebrate the harvest and we shall all settle in for a nice celebratory evening! :)

Hope all of you are well.

Thunderstorms and Coffee

2009-07-11T09:03:00.002-04:00

Yay... What a nice way to wake up. It has been a very rough week, and I am just sitting here, as the rain washes away the tired, stressed, tread marks in my mind! :) I am enjoying a relaxing morning!

Today, I clean the house, and get caught up on some R and R...

Job is going great. I am very excited about all of it. But, this weekend, as my mind wanders to the things I hve to do next week, I shall nudge myself back to a tranquil, quiet, non-work state of mind! :)

A-hem

2009-07-05T09:20:00.003-04:00

Okay, I have returned at least momentarily to my blog... I have been so busy, I just haven't felt like blogging lately! Hope everyone is well, I will get caugh up on your blogs here in a moment...

I have been very busy at work. Working alot of hours, proving myself and it has finally paid off!!! I got promoted again! I am now the Dictor of Nursing! OMG! I have waited my entire nursing career fo this opportunity and it is now in front of me. I got a huge raise... (Well, what I consider huge, may be modest to some)... :) But I am extremely excited.

We have been having money issues again... Big suprise. Chad, my husband has been diagnosed with systemic lupus. So, we have had many medical bills of late, medication, and missed work hours on top of that! But, we are getting by! And things are about to at least be comfortable. I don't want to be rich, just comfy.
Last night, the 4th of July, everyone had parties at their places or at a friend or relatives to go to. Chad worked and I had absolutely NOTHING to do. Colin has met a new friend in the neighborhood. His name is Amado, he is Hispanic. I met his parents yesterday and they graciously (maybe forcefully :) ) invited me into their home for food and drinks. They have very little money. Husband has been out of work for over a year now and she works in a factory. They have a small house, a quarter of what mine is currently, little money and yet invited me, a stranger into their home and treated me like family. They had Latin music blaring, decorations everywhere, I ate a barbecued burger, which I have never had, some Spanish rice, and she made me a rum libation which would have knocked me on my ass if I had finished it! lol I sat there in this families back yard, listening to their stories, and I was... comfortable. I started thinking about my financial situation... Me and my husband both have great jobs. We waste alot of money. I think as I watched this family enjoy each other and laugh, living life happily, I realized that the most important things in this life really don't cost much! :)

New Hair

2009-04-25T10:17:00.002-04:00

Yay! Going to see my Jake and get a haircut today! I am stoked. I will post a pic. Thinking of doing some really red streaks amidst my black hair. I would really like to do blue, but my employer would definitely not like that! lol

My kids have been sick all week... YIKES. It sucks. They are at each others throats and I want to hurt them both...lol. Constant bickering, arguing, and fighting... "I'm sicker than you are..." UGH.

Work has been super busy. I got a promotion. I am now called "Assistant Wellness Director" and instead of being over 30 apartments, I have the whole lot of 145!!! I am making more money and have more job security than ever.

Ok, I am off to see Jake and have a makeover. Yippee!

Under the Depths...2

2009-04-20T20:10:00.003-04:00

After a what seemed like a long while, he decided that sitting out in the open wasn't such a great idea. Cemetery or not, he knew eventually someone would stroll by and wasn't quite sure he would appreciate their response to his appearance. He did not have a mirror but just looking at his bluish white hands and forearms gave him the creeps. He just couldn't believe he was dead. Or alive. Or both.

He stood up and brushed the dirt and grass off of his suit pants. He didn't know where to go. He really just wanted to go home, but no doubt she would be there... "Bitch" he muttered under his breath. Well, maybe that is exactly what he should do. He snickered at the look on her terrified face as the sight of him. He began walking. Still laughing, he walked up the driveway and went around to the back of the house. The narrow sidewalk curved sharply to the left and before he knew it, he was standing under the kitchen window and peering into the house. It was very quiet. Maybe too quiet. He tried the back door knob, it was open. It wasn't like Leila to leave the door open. He walked inside...

From the depths... An excerpt of a book I started

2009-04-16T19:42:00.005-04:00

From under the ground, he clawed his way up. Pushing the dirt, small rocks, and clumps of grass out of his way as he writhed his way from his grave. His gangly, bony fingers with hunks of missing flesh dug at the dirt leaving small track like marks in the mud.

He was angry. Correction. He was mad as hell. That bitch had taken him out when he least expected it. He was sitting there in his recliner chair, beer in one hand and remote control in the other. That cunning woman had snuck up behind him and strangled him with his own belt!!!

That was the last thing he remembered. Until he woke up, groggy and sick in a hole in the ground! Vengeance filled his dead, cold, non-beating heart. He could focus only on finding her and making her pay for what she did to him!

At last, he was free from his earthen prison. He stood tall and eager to take a step. He was clumsy, definitely more clumsy than before his demise. Yet, somehow he felt stronger. He couldn't understand how he could still be amongst the living after what he suffered. Then, it struck him as a blow from a blunt object- He was NOT among the living... But the living dead. He sat down on a pile of dirt and contemplated his situation...

More to come... If you so desire.

Been Tagged-- By SunTiger

2009-04-16T19:11:00.002-04:00

You are now tagged. You must now blog at least 3 suggestions for saving money. It’s not because we all have LESS money than we did two years ago. We just all want to save money where it doesn’t hurt so we can SPEND more cash -- or donate it – on much more worthwhile projects and experiences.Ideas can range from using half as much toothpaste and just see if your teeth don’t remain just as pearly white as before to saving cash by shopping for coffee on Amazon. We don’t care WHAT your three ideas for money-saving is all about (just that you share it).

First of all, I am probably THE worst person to discuss saving money , but here goes..

1. We could stop using the fancy stuff like soap and shampoo... The natives got by just rinsing off every once in a while and still found each other appealing enough to pro-create...

2. Hell, who needs razors anyway? Or scissors? We could let all of our hair grow. Facial hair, leg hair, pit hair! even the under discussed "pubes"... If we did that right, we wouldn't need as much money to spend on clothes either. We could braid it, and then as it got long enough, cut it off and spin it into yarn to make sweaters and underwear and mittens... lol DOWN WITH HYGIENE ALTOGETHER! I can't wait to get my hands on that new scarf I made from my own arm pit hair!!! Think of all the money we could save!

3. Boy, I am laughing my ass off at the first two, I don't know if I have anything else to really say about this topic...

Soaking in the sun

2009-04-16T18:44:00.002-04:00

Yes, we are evolving. Sun light is good. Very good. I sat outisde today and just basked in it for a few moments. It felt so so good! By the end of summer, I will be taking the sun for granted and wishing for a reprieve from the heat... When I start bitching, someone remind me of this! lol

The sun... You know I think that in most pagan religious banter, we refer to sun as masculine and the moon as feminine. However, I believe the opposite is true in Norse or Germanic practice... I have always revered the moon as feminine... The Great and wonderful Goddess bestowing her glowing energy upon us in waves that come and go but always return again... Merry Meet, Merry Part, Merry Meet again... :) But, I haven't given a whole lot of thought to the sun. I guess the sun is a chick too! hahahaha. That must make me a Dianic pagan. (Just kiddin). The sun is masculine, I suppose.... It's brute, fiery force... The strength and magnetism... Yea, I suppose the sun could be referred to as masculine. He and the moon taking turns invading our skies and dominating how we live... Our moods, our activities... On a cloudy rainy day, we are down. On a sunny day, we smile. I really live with the moon cycles. I always have. When the moon is full, I am at my highest energy, my most creative, I don't sleep much, my dreams are vivid and telling... When the moon is full, it is lighter outside at night. Those are good nights to be out late... Traipsing through cemeteries, sitting under trees, jumping on trampolines with your best girlfriends.. I sound like a first class nut case. I have no idea what I am rambling about... The sun, the moon, how they affect my life... I guess all I really wanted to say was that I was really glad that the sun is out today!!!! ;)

I am sitting in a coffee shop, sipping an iced mocha, waiting for Colin to finish baseball practice and am suddenly hit with the inspiration to write.... So, beware. I feel some sort of manifesto coming.... I have alot on my mind! Keep reading.

From Raindrops.. to under the weather

2009-04-16T09:46:00.002-04:00

Yuck. I have a cold. A sneezy, snotty, wheezy, coughing fits, aches, hot flashes, and sleepy freaking cold. I stayed home again yesterday, because of it and actually slept about all day! I feel a bit better today, but feel like my head is completely submerged! lol

Today, I awoke and skipped yoga. I did do a short ritual to focus my mind and direct my day. I am feeling suddenly connected. To everything. Partly that makes me feel good, and sometimes it causes more stress... I feel almost empathic... I am taking on everyone's feelings and struggles. So I am working on focusing inward. Just on myself, my family, and my needs and feelings.

Just curious... Many people work with a specific God or Gods... Certain pantheons. What do you all work with or focus on? I am a very nature oriented witch and really just call on mother nature for lack of a better term... I have also worked with a variety of pantheons... What do you do?

My son is still doing well off of medications.... We will see what happens!

Dodging the Rain Drops

2009-04-14T11:04:00.004-04:00

It has been raining cats and dogs the last few days. Just what we need... more freaking rain. lol I have been so busy lately and completely uninspired when it comes to writing about anything. I have been working ALOT, stressing about money even more, and trying to sleep away my worries.

Colin, my son with autism, has suddenly, made a drastic improvement.... on accident. We had to stop one of his medications due to cardiac side effects. Ever since, he has been a different child. He is talkative, polite, no agitation or aggression... WTF? I guess that really makes me think. Maybe some of his symptoms have been side effects all along!!! I am taking it day by day though. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems almost too good tobe true. I have my son back...

I have the day off today. I am getting caught up on alot of things. Laundry, bills, ugh.. Then I will play WoW for a while and RELAX. My dreams have been in hyperdrive lately, Not sleeping well... But unusually the dreams are good AND almost prophetic. I may have a new job offer on the horizon if I am interpreting the dreams correctly an I believe I am... :)

I have been trying to do yoga every day and working on a ritual a day... We will see how long this lasts! :) I have been meditating and am working on some more advanced concepts lately. Life is going alright... Just scooting along day by day trying to make my mark...

Enjoying the SUN!

2009-03-17T17:01:00.000-04:00

Today, I was blessed and cursed at the same time! lol. I am sitting outside in my cropped sweats and a tshirt, the weather is gorgeous! I can feel the sun soaking into my soul! The breeze gently rushing my hair at my cheeks... it keeps getting caught in my sticky lip gloss! I don't mind though. I am at my patio table, blogging on my laptop... I should still be at work, but instead I have done a myriad of things today. I got to pick my kids up from school... (I will elaborate here in a bit). I went to the local coffee House "The Firefly" with my son Conner and we had iced mochas... We then went to Barnes and Noble where I picked him up the latest in the "Bone" series. He is so addicted! I went grocery shopping where I picked up a few pints of Hagen Dazs (on the house thanks to my husbands job ay Edy's!!!) It is a perfect day.... And the reason I had all this time to spoil myself is my curse...

My son Colin was suspended from school!!!!! I am so disappointed in him. I am trying hard to be quiet with him at this point. I don't want to let my mouth get ahead of my brain... It is a long drawn out scenario that boils down to him writing some inappropriate graffiti on a bathroom stall... When I was in school, this would not have amounted to a suspension... My, how times have changed. I have to go to meeting on Thursday morning with the principal. Thankfully, they assured me that he will not be expelled... whew.

So, anyway, here I sit with some quiet time to myself to blog, listen to my wind chimes, soak up the sun, watch Conner on the trampoline, and await the fantastic dinner that my husband is cooking for me!

All in all, not a bad day. (At least for me)

Here we go...

2009-02-18T18:25:00.003-05:00

Okay, so to catch up.

Work is really crazy. My boss, who I am not a big fan of, is screwing up alot of things at work and of course I am hoping to get her job after her unfortunate demise... That means I have been busting my ass to show everyone that I can handle it! The Director has definitely noticed and keeps telling me to be patient and I will be pleasantly surprised. I have spear headed our Dementia Education program and have received alot of corporate attention for this, so I am hoping if not a promotion here in Indiana, Maybe I will get offered a better position in New York or Connecticut! Yay! I am not opposed to moving. New direction, new outlooks, always refreshing! :)

Home life has been utterly nutty as well. Colin, my autistic son is having alot of issues. He is hitting puberty and behaviors are well... exacerbated to say the least. Yelling, screaming, crying, hitting, lying.... Yea, I am in hell about now with all of this. It will get better. I have faith.

For some reason I have been dwelling on my relationship with my father which is at the very least strained and estranged! lol. I don't even like the guy right now. Haven't seen him in like 2 years and he only lives 2 hours away. He has made several trips here to Ft Wayne apparently ad has made no effort to see his grandchildren or me.... Whatever. I is hurting me right now,I haven't thought about it in a while...

Chad and I are doing great. For those of you who don't know the whole story, we have had some issues over the last few years and finally decided to reconcile fully in December. We had to face alot of hard truths (oh boy, looking at the truth starkly in the face is NOT easy.) It hurt. We both hurt for a while. With all of our cards out on the table, and information I didn't have and information he didn't have all out in the open... It was so clear. Even though we weren't happy, we knew we were before. We both dug deep and tried to find what brought us together in the first place. We found it and decided we wanted to stay together. Things are going well. :)

I have been playing like FIEND on my new laptop... I love World of Warcraft... My favorite game of all time! But,I do spend alot of time playing which means I spend less time reading and blogging! lol

Best Day Ever

2009-02-13T22:20:00.002-05:00

My hubby bought me a kick ass brand spankin new laptop for Valentines Day!!!!! I am in 7th heaven! I have not been writing alot lately because work has been utterly crazy! Working so many hours and not much time to play! lol. I am going to try and post here more tomorrow.... Working on downloading WoW to my new laptop tonight...

Imbolc

2009-01-31T17:51:00.003-05:00

The last few days I have been keeping myself quite busy! I have Suzie Homemaker syndrome and have been cleaning and baking up a storm. I made 6 dozen chocolate chip cookies yesterday and a dozen blueberry scones! The scones are to die for. Easily better than Starbucks... lol. But seriously, they are. I should open a bakery! I love to bake. I have had so much energy. It feels like I am nesting! lol... I guess that is just the effect that Imbolc has on me.

Tonight, the girls and I are getting together for our Imbolc rite and to hang out. I am excited. I made a casserole called puffed up pizza. (a recipe my gramma made all the time!) Tonight, our focus will be on the growing seeds of Spring, about the quickening of life, and we have decided that at the roots, Imbolc is a celebration of life-giving... which is a feminine job; what the whole pregnancy and birth thing! :) So, tonight we honor our female ancestors who got us here and see what lessons they have in store for us. We are making new pacts and promises to each other and then we will eat, drink, and be absolutely merry!

I will post that recipe later for the pizza dish. Its really good, affordable, and easy!

Whoa! I am actually here! lol

2009-01-26T20:11:00.002-05:00

Wow! What a whirlwind of a few days! I have been so utterly busy!

The kids had a semi-formal at their middle school on Friday night. It was so cute! They both ended up with "girlfriends"... whatever. At 12 and 10, I have no idea what that means! But, they had a good time. They looked cute in their ties! Chad and I actually got to go out for dinner alone and did some shopping. It was a fun night!

Saturday, I had a load of shopping to do. I went to the grocery, and did some school clothes shopping for the boys. I was out for hours. Then we ordered dinner in and watched a few movies.

Last night, I chilled. We had a quiet dinner and watched some TV... I played some WoW (World of Warcraft). I am so hopelessly addicted to that game right now. I really enjoy it!

Today was a hellish day at work. I came home and worked for another 4 hours on the computer putting together a power point slide show for a presentation I have to do soon. Ugh...

Well, off to plan our Imbolc ritual. We have a new gal who wants to join our coven and is coming over on Sat. We will see how that goes. I am going to plan the night, write the ritual and perhaps I will share it here when it is done... ;) Then, I am off to play WoW for a while and then off to dream land!

Imbolc.

2009-01-21T18:37:00.000-05:00

Imbolc
Written and/or Compiled by Dawn Thebarge Hill all rights reserved

This cross quarter holiday and Greater Sabbat is celebrated by most Pagan traditions on February 2, although some groups celebrate on February Eve. It marks the center point of the dark half of the year and is the festival of the Maiden because from this day to March 21st, it is her season and a time for the earth to prepare for growth and renewal.From Samhain to Bride (pronounced BREED) the Celts observed a time called "the period of the little sun". In old Scotland, the month fell in the middle of the period known as Faoilleach, the Wolf-month; it was also known as a' marbh mhiòs, the Dead-month. In Scotland, the Old Woman of winter, the Cailleach, is reborn as Bride, Young Maiden of Spring, fragile yet growing stronger each day as the sun rekindles its fire, turning scarcity into abundance.

Although our Mother Earth rests at this time and her stirrings are still hidden from us there is life nonetheless. At Imbolg the long winter is almost behind us, The coldest times have been experienced and survived and now the days are becoming longer. The earth is coming alive and once again, it is time to begin anew. This is the time for banishing winter and preparing for the coming spring. On this day we celebrate the return of light, new beginnings, fertility of the land which is shown to us in things such as the the swelling of buds on bare branches and in many places the first Crocus and snow drops flower, springing forth brightly from the frozen earth.. We also celebrate agricultural fertility as evidenced by the livestock birthing new babes, the engorgement of udders and the planning and preparation for the coming planting times. For this reason many people chose this day to bless seeds and consecrate agricultural tools.

It is also felt by many traditions that the eve of Imbolc is the best time of the year to perform divinations specifically pertaining to the future welfare and prosperity of your family. While New Year's resolutions are often about letting go of habits or things that you no longer want, Imbolc is the time for taking the first active steps toward what it is you want to draw into your life-a time of new beginnings.

On this day, Christians celebrate Candlemas, blessing all church candles for the coming year. Catholics observe the feast day of St. Blaze and share in the blessing of the throats with candles and fire.

This sabbat is sacred to Brigit whose name means "The Exalted One," queen and mother goddess of many European tribes. She is also known as Brigid, Bridget, Brighid, Brighde, Brig or Bride and some scholars consider her name originated with the Vedic Sanskrit word brihati, an epithet of the divine. She is Goddess of inspiration, dying, weaving, brewing, poetry, wisdom, healing, fertility, midwifery, reflection, meditation, lore, research, great knowledge, intelligence, understanding and smithwork who, in later times, became revered as a Christian saint. She is closely connected with livestock and domesticated animals. She had two oxen called Fea and Feimhean who gave their names to a plain in Co. Carlow and one in Tipperary. She was also the guardian of Torc Triath, king of the wild boar, who gave his name to Treithirne, a plain in West Tipperary. These three totem animals used to raise a warning cry if Ireland was in danger. It is also said that Brighid's snake emerges from the womb of the Earth Mother to test the weather, and this is thought to be the origin of Ground Hog Day.

Who needs air- The Classic Crime

2009-01-21T10:16:00.002-05:00

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

You don’t need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don’t need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don’t need air.

Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild.
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise.

I’m drowning, but I don’t care,
Because when you’ve got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished.
And life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all.
True success is so selfless so drown in the lyrics of your life and give up the air that you breathe.
You don’t need anything.

I really love this song. I like this group alot, they have a newer CD out, I should pick it up! The lyrics are so true. I feel like I am drowning sometimes and I don't see things like I should. I am truly lucky to be alive, have a family, and have love. I am counting my blessings today... that I am actually leaning toward "True" success in life.

Children's worry spell

2009-01-16T20:01:00.006-05:00

My son Conner has OCD and worries about EVERYTHING. He has trouble falling asleep at night and he asked me if I could help him with a spell... He is 10, and I was delighted to help.

We opened my witch cabinet and dug in...

He decided he wanted to place some herbs in a special place and then annoint a blue candle wit Earth oil. He chose Lavender (lots), Hops (lots), a pinch of Rosemary, White Willow Bark, and Elecampagne Root. He then added Devils shoestring to hide him from worry! (His words) How adorbale! He made his own special container with Legos and we said some chanting. He was so cute. I found it interesting in how he chose his herbs, he held them, smelled them, and closed his eyes as if to "feel" them. I did not tell him what the herbs were for, and he chose VERY appropriately!

My cat Triniti kept hopping in the cabinet!!!

Kuh-rah-TAY

2009-01-14T14:43:00.003-05:00

Both of my boys want to get into martial arts. I am working on a way to make this happen for them. We don't have alot of money, but I feel it would be beneficial to both of them. My oldest, Colin is autistic (mild) and has ADD, my youngest is ADHD... lol I think it would help teach them a bit of discipline. Maybe...

Funny story.

Yesterday, while on the way to school I overheard the two of them in the back seat arguing. No, debating; if you will.... They were talking over who was actually the better padawan learner... (Star wars reference...) They argued who had the better light saber, who knew where Tattooine was really located, who could talk to wookies, and finally who knew what a "hutt" was... My oldest said "Duh, it is a tent with grass on top of it!"... Conner giggled an evil laugh and reminded him that "Jabba" was a hutt...."Jabba the HUTT". ANd all of his other relatives were HUTTS too! lol... I laughed all the way to work. I am raising the two biggest Star Wars NERDS! and I love it! :) I told them both that I thought they would make awesome Jedi knights....

White HELL

2009-01-14T14:38:00.002-05:00

Today, we have received like 3 inches of snow... It is blowing all over the damned place and it is freezing! Sub Zero temps with wind chill and I have had enough already! We are supposed to get another 1-3 inches tomorrow as well!!!! I am over it. I never have been too fond of snow. Now it sits there and taunts me and blows it's void, blank dust EVERYWHERE....

I want the sun.

Now.

A "Buffy" Good Time

2009-01-12T14:21:00.002-05:00

This just might be the BEST website I have ever ever found... Click on this blog entry's title!!!!

Buffy episodes... ONLINE and free...Oh, how I have feverishly dreamed of such a thing! I am going through Buff withdrawal since fX no longer re-airs it...

Yay for me!

Mercury Retrograde - Time to Back-up and Reconsider

2009-01-12T14:17:00.000-05:00

Jan 11 - Feb. 1, 2009

Too many people have too many superstitions about Mercury’s retrograde. They think its like Friday the 13th and everything’s going to go wrong. My power dropped out for a minute the night before last, and my cell phone carrier had a server crash today, and I wasn’t receiving my incoming calls. (I am writing this article during the interim between Christmas and New Year 2008.) If Mercury were in retrograde now, everybody would be running around saying, “Its Mercury! Its Mercury’s fault!” This stuff happens all the time, and it has nothing to do with Mercury’s transit.

Mercury is the ruler of transportation and communication. He is the messenger God in mythology. Mercury also rules our minds and logic, and he governs communication processes on the Internet. When a planet is actually in it’s backward motion, it’s affects are usually a bit more subdued, but not normally bad. It usually pulls up past issues for us to deal with. With Mercury being the messenger, we often get calls from old friends, and past over loved ones will also come a knocking. Situations often urge us to reevaluate our goals and our values when Mercury is in retrograde. Also, if we have been pushing our luck in the past, Mercury may make us pay up.

When a planet is in retrograde it appears to be moving backward across the sky. All the planets except the Sun and the Moon turn retrograde every now and then. In fact the outer planets are in retrograde almost as much as they are moving forward. Mercury gets special attention from astrologers, because he is so close to the earth, and because his retrograde happens so often, 3 - 4 times per year. And to let the inquisitive know, Mercury will only have 3 retrograde periods this year.

The difficult times of any retrograde is when the planet is in the process of changing directions, which is called the stations. During that time the planet is not moving much at all, and it is figuratively burning a hole in the universe. In Mercury’s case the stations are usually just the days his retrograde begins and ends. With slower outer planets, we may feel the effects of the stations a few days before and after the day it changes directions.

This Mercury retrograde will begin (retrograde station) on January 11th in Aquarius. Mercury is going to have a lot of planets insulating him and no planets aspecting him, so it shouldn’t be too tough. There will be a Full Moon on January 10th, so we may have more problems with Mercury’s retrograde station on the 10th rather than the actual day of the station. To put it in English, we may find that we have a few travel problems or miscommunications during the evening of January 10th, but by the evening of the 11th, we should find that things are functioning again.

Jupiter, the Sun, and Mars will all cross Mercury as he moves along his backwards path, and those days could prove to be significant. Mercury will conjunct Jupiter on January 18th and that could really bring old friends back into our lives. Jupiter brings expansion and Mercury, communication, so there is also a strong possibility we may want to talk about situations from our past. It will also be a great day for recollections, so if you are writing that autobiography, January 18th will be the day to sit down and compose.

The Sun will come up quickly behind Jupiter and conjunct Mercury at the karmic 0 degree point in Aquarius on January 20th, Inauguration Day. The Sun represents our characters and Mercury, expression. Our new President should have some very important messages for us on how he is going to clean up the mess left for him from the past. With Aquarius involved, he may have some new and unique ideas. For the rest of us, we may find we are ready to dig into and sort out old papers, or perhaps try a new approach to an old problem. There could also be some unexpected messages from old friends around that time, especially male friends.

Mercury in retrograde will conjunct Mars in Capricorn on January 27th and Venus will be sending them some positive energy at the same time. The Sun and Moon will be creating a Solar eclipse on January 26th, so we will definitely be ready for some changes. Mars is the God of energy, so many of us will be initiating those changes. There could be some old romances rekindle at this time. Are you thinking of contacting an old lover? This will be the best time.

As Mercury turns direct (direct station), he will be making a positive angle to the Saturn-Uranus opposition going on this year. (You can read more about Saturn Oppose Uranus in my article, “The Odd Couple.”) This should help to make his transition back to forward motion fairly stable. We may hit a few of the typical transportation and communication problems, but we will be able to deal with them. In fact, we may just surprise ourselves just how well we deal with them.

Okay, its now amateur astrologer time. Let’s see how Mercury’s retrograde is going to affect you. Mercury will transit this retrograde from 8 degrees Aquarius to 22 degrees Capricorn. So, check your natal charts.

First look at which house or houses in your chart that he will be traveling through. You will probably find that the areas in your life that (those) house(es) covers will be put on hold, and you will probably show little progress. An example, if you are out of work and Mercury’s retrograde will be covering your 6th house of work, you may as well take a temporary job until Mercury turns direct, any permanent jobs probably won’t pan out.

Next, are Mercury’s Retrograde Station (8 degrees Aquarius) or Direct Station (22 degrees Capricorn) going to aspect any of your natal planets or power points? If you have any planets or points between 6 degrees and 10 degrees in Aquarius, Taurus, Leo, or Scorpio (fixed signs), then you may find that Mercury’s Retrograde Station (January 11th) could bring some changes that are forced upon you, depending upon which planet or power point. Remember outer planets (Jupiter on out) affect us more as a generation, so they won’t have as much impact, but inner planets and power points could make the changes much more dramatic in our lives. Planets and power points between 6 and 10 degrees in Aquarius, Gemini, and Libra, this Mercury Retrograde station may bring some opportunities disguised as problems.

Now let’s look at Mercury’s Direct Station on February 1st (January 31st for our friends in Europe). If you have any planets or power points between 20 and 24 degrees in Capricorn, Aries, Cancer, and Libra (cardinal signs), you may find that some people are not listening to you or even lying to you. There could also be some shocking unexpected messages. But, if you have any planets between 20 and 24 degrees in Capricorn, Taurus, or Virgo (earth signs), you may find that on February 1st parts of your life that have been a little stuck will start to move forward again.

To come to a deeper understanding of Mercury’s retrograde, we really have to stop blaming it for all the little mishaps in our lives and start using the energy to reevaluate and refocus our goals and ideals

Janet (Sparrow) Moon is a professional psychic and astrologer. You can visit her web site for more articles about upcoming events in astrology, and to read her daily astrology general tendencies forecast. (This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this bio are included.)

http://www.sparrowmoon.com/

Recovering from the weekend...

2009-01-12T10:01:00.002-05:00

Wow. What a weekend! I cleaned all day on Saturday. It took me 6 hours!!!! I really deep cleaned and dusted. Simplified and threw alot out. Then I smudged like crazy and did a quick cleansing and protection spell for my home. I was exhausted.

THEN, we went out. I got cleaned up and I looked good! I will post pics later. ;)
We went out to dinner with some friends and then out for drinks... Wow. Jen had a bit too much to drink, ugh. I hate it when I do that. It is like some people have a switch and they know when to flip it and not drink anymore... My switch just shuts off and I go on autopilot. I don't remember the latter parts of the night... only bits and pieces. I remember throwing up though... Yuck. We did have a blast though. I laughed so hard. It was great to see Jim and Brenda again. We have een so busy, it gets hard to hook up. We got home about 4! Yikes.

Sunday was a lazy day. I made a cheeseball for Chad. Then I went to the store and got a few things for a nice salad with dinner. We had a good day. It was a quite, lazy, happy day. That is how all Sundays should be. (Minus the hangover...)

Eihwaz Meditation

2009-01-05T11:34:00.004-05:00

I forgot to post this the other night... I had the eihwaz rune fall out when I was doing a reading so I meditated on it a bit...

So I meditated on the rune itself and ended up under a very large tree. The branches were long and slender and flexible. There were no leaves on this tree, but it was not dead. At first glance I thought it was dead, long gone. I could smell the earth very strongly and noticed that I was barefoot, digging my toes in the dirt as I love to do... The tree was alone, but there were other trees in the distance. Some had full leaves, some had sparse leaves, a few looked pretty dead. I wasn't sure if I should walk or what? So, I sat for a moment in front of the tree. A piece of bark was peeling off like parchment and when I picked it off, I noticed some lines. It looked like "something", a drawing, or a symbol but it wasn't finished yet. It frustrated me that I couldn't make out what it was. For some reason, I ate it. I chewed it up and swallowed it. It tasted like bread ( like communion at church when I used to go). I felt whole, my heart warmed and I stood up to see the leaves on the tree explode into growth and even flowers bloom. They were beautiful blue flowers. I stood under the tree as the wind blew and the petals rained overhead like a blue petal shower... It was absolutely breathtaking.

What appears to be dead or gone may be dormant or hidden. If I internalize that death or change then that can lead to new life and beauty... lol At least that is my take on this! It was a really powerful meditation... I could still taste the bread on my tongue.

As the moon waxes...

2009-01-05T11:04:00.002-05:00

I love the moon. I am so in tune with the cycles. You can watch my energy levels dip as it wanes and jump up as it waxes... For 3 days prior and 3 days after, I don't sleep much, I am ravenous... I eat like a hog and crave red meat. I don't eat a lot of meat usually, so this is definitely linked to the cycles of the moon. I must be part werewolf! lol Anyway, If I harness the energy and the restlessness appropriately, I can really get alot accomplished. I am going to do some major spellworking this full moon and I am working on cleaning and re-organizing my home. I am also organizing my finances still... It is tough to organize the stacks of bills you can't pay! I just shuffle them from on epile to another. But, we do actually have a plan on how to get caught up... prostitution... yep, or selling crack. (JUST KIDDING) Ugh. Money, how I despise thee. I think electricity should be a right, not a paid privelege! lol Okay, okay... back to the moon. I can feel her energy building and as I do, it is so different than the last several months. I feel more like myself and more in tune. I have harnessed that energy that used to make me crazy and so damn restless. I am putting it to good use. (I don't know if playing World of Warcraft for 4 hours on Saturday night was actually a GREAT use of energy, but I had a blast! lol) I got to go out for dinner this weekeend too. We had a great date. We left the boys at home (12 and 10) and went out. It was a little nerve wracking at first as we don't usually leave them alone. But, our sitter bailed and we really wanted an hour or so alone! So.... They actually did great! No worries. We had a fabulous time, I discovered a new beer that I loved, and got to spend some quality time alone!!! yay! That is always a nice treat.

So, as the moon waxes this month, I focus on the new year. New beginnings, new paths, Trying to be a new me. A stronger me. More in control, more understanding, less judgemental, and less temperamental! ;) The path is right here in front of me. All I need to do is tread down it. Slowly and carefully, meaningfully. And I will succeed...

Full Moon Cakes!!!!

2009-01-05T11:00:00.001-05:00

Moon Cakes Recipe

Ingredients:
2 cups sifted flour - not self rising
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons sugar
¼ cup shortening
½ cup milk
1 slightly beaten egg

Sift together flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Cut in shortning until mixture is crumbly. Stir in milk and egg to form a soft dough. Round dough on a lightly floured cloth-covered board. Knead lightly about 30 seconds. Roll or pat out until dough is even ly spread aobut ¼ “ thick. Cut into moon shapes. Place on ungreased baking sheet. Bake at 450F for 10-12 minutes or until golden brown.

These go great with a little wine, some fruity beer, or hot cider!!!! ;) Be careful, they burn easily!
I am going to make these this month and have the kids participate in the esbat!

Serious?

2009-01-04T08:54:00.003-05:00

I am not feeling very well. It started on Friday and is not getting better. This morning, I woke up early because I just feel like hell and I don't really want to share details, but I might really have something wrong with me... I am going to call the doctor tomorrow. It sucks being a nurse sometimes. There are times when I am a bit of a hypochondriac, ya know? Just because I know enough to be dangerous. And then there are times like these that I wish I didn't know as much, so I wouldn't be as nervous as I am right now. To make a long story short, I think I may have a gastric ulcer. Which is basically bleeding in my stomach... Hopefully, I am wrong. Keep me in your thoughts, and I will keep ya posted.

Obscure Holidays for this month?

2009-01-04T08:46:00.002-05:00

January 1 is . . . . .First Foot Day and Z Day More Info on Z Day

January 2 is . . . . .Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day

January 3 is . . . . .Festival of Sleep Day

January 4 is . . . . .Trivia Day and Humiliation Day

January 5 is . . . . .Bird Day

January 6 is . . . . .Bean Day

January 7 is . . . . .Old Rock Day

January 8 is . . . . .National JoyGerm Day and Man Watcher's Day

January 9 is . . . . . Play God Day

January 10 is . . . . Peculiar People Day

January 11 is . . . . National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day

January 12 is . . . . Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day

January 13 is . . . . Make Your Dream Come True Day and Blame Someone Else Day and International skeptics day

January 14 is . . . . National Dress Up Your Pet Day

January 15 is . . . . Hat Day

January 16 is . . . . Hot and Spicy Food International Day and National Nothing Day

January 17 is . . . . Blessing of the Animals at the Cathedral Day and Ditch New Years Resolutions Day

January 18 is . . . . Thesaurus day and Winnie the Pooh Day

January 19 is . . . . National Popcorn Day

January 20 is . . . . National Buttercrunch Day

January 21 is . . . . National Hugging Day and Squirrel appreciation day

January 22 is . . . . National Answer Your Cat's Question Day and National Blonde Brownie Day

January 23 is . . . . National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day, and Measure Your Feet Day

January 24 is . . . . Eskimo Pie Patent Day

January 25 is . . . . Opposite Day

January 26 is . . . . Australia Day

January 27 is . . . . Punch the Clock Day and Thomas Crapper Day More Info on Thomas Crapper Day

January 28 is . . . . National Kazoo Day, Clash Day, Rattle Snake Round-Up Day

January 29 is . . . . National Cornchip Day

January 30 is . . . . Escape Day and National insane answering machine message day

January 31 is . . . . National Popcorn Day and Child Labor Day and Inspire your heart with art day

Progress... little, tiny, baby steps of progress

2009-01-03T11:19:00.002-05:00

So far for the new year, I have done yoga every morning, Have started eating a bit better, and am working on organizing my finances... UGH... I hate money. Unless I actually have some and then I might find it pleasing... My desk was such a mess. I got to the point that when a bill came in, I threw it in a pile and did not give it a care... Yea, made a mess, I did. Well, one day at a time. Cleaning it up.

Work has been crazy. ALOT of hours. I have to work this weekend, which sucks because I was supposed to go to Illinois for my family Xmas... I had to miss it. It makes me sad.

My brain is a bit on the frizz today... Perhaps I will have something brilliant to share later!

New Year... New Me?

2009-01-01T10:20:00.003-05:00

While I usually celebrate a more "witchy" new year in October, I have decided to make a few resolutions this year.

Firstly, I am beginning to wonder if it is such a good idea to eat sushi and edamame while I am keenly aware that I am allergic to avocado and soybeans... I absolutely pigged out last night and today, my nose is so stuffed, I have a headache, and generally don't feel well. And, no I am not hung over. I had 2 of my new favorite beers last night ans was in bed by 2 am. It was a nice night though. We watched movies, ordered in, had a few drinks and spent some nice time together. But anyway, maybe I should cut back on the allergens for a while... I just love them so much!

Secondly, is an obvious and cliched resolution. I want to get in shape. Chad tells me how nice I look, but I need to "feel" it. So, I am going to watch what I eat. No radical diets. Drink more water. And exercise at least 3 times a week. I am hoping to do Yoga every day, but don't want to set the bar too high.

I had already mentioned in earlier posts about delving into my spirituality a bit more... That is proving interesting. I heard another word in trance work which I am desperately trying to figure out... It sounded like ardentstrider. I was walking in a woods, and I heard it out of no where... Very odd. I have been delving into books and old notes, but not much luck so far. So far I have come up with stridr: verkr, a strong pain. The beginning I don't get.... Will keep ya posted. In the meantime, a rune draw for the new year

This one flew out of my hand....
Eihwaz.

Endings.

This rune is often associated with death but it is never negative. It reminds us that new beginnings and fresh starts can only come after some aspect of our life has died off. It encourages us to embrace change and make the best use of the opportunities it offers.

On a cautionary note it warns us to stay alert to what is happening around us and to be prepared to defend our position.

Around it I drew:
Thurisaz

Thorn or Strength

You are supported and protected. Fate stands with you. Seek counsel before making important decisions, this is a time to ask for help - it will be there for you and may provide you with more than you expect.

The darker side of this rune may also act as a warning that the thing we need protection from is actually ourselves.

Jera

Harvest, Year

All things in life are cyclical, we can reap only what we sow. We must be prepared to nurture the seeds we plant and give them space and time enough to grow, only then will we enjoy fully the fruits of our labous.

Now may be the time to prepare for future growth.

Dagaz

Daylight, Dawn, Breakthrough

Dagaz reminds us that this is a life of balance - good & evil, dark & light - all extremes have their opposite and it is possible to move from one to the other. This is the rune of transformation, the power which is available to all of us.

It can also signify the end of dark times, as if stepping out in to the light. Success is within reach.

Wow'. All in all a very good reading. This year will hold alot of promise. Changes, but it appears that the changes are good ones...

Happy new year to you all... I am off to play World of Warcraft! lol

Lacking the holiday "spirit"

2008-12-24T12:15:00.002-05:00

I guess with all the stress lately at work and the ice storm fiasco with lack of power for 3 days... I haven't really taken the time to relax and get into the mood for the holidays. I feel rushed and unready. I am questioning the fits I have bought. I feel like I haven't enough... It sucks when you don't have money this time of year. There is such a focus on the material... It makes me angry. I am just happy and content to spend time with friends and family and tip back a few... I was supposed to get of early today and be off on Xmas and Friday. I will be getting off at normal time today and will be working Friday. Yuck. I like my job, but I really just wanted a break. Maybe I will take a small vacation soon.

Anyway, I am feeling blah, I suppose the weather is partly to blame. I will perk up soon, I hope.

I did an online rune draw this morning because I forgot my own at home. I don't usually do "reverse" meanings for runes. This site does though. The reading seems to be right on for me today!

The Norn spread is used to plot the crucial elements of past, present, and future, and to reveal the evolution of the situation through the arc of time. Stone Runes are most commonly used for questions about the natural world and things beyond human control.

The left rune represents an important element of the past. Algiz plainly shows the antlers of the elk that it represents. The elk is the object of the hunt, and hence Algiz speaks to the pursuit of goals and the thrill of that pursuit. The rune is currently shown reversed, so this could suggest a failed endeavor or a lack of effort. Algiz is also representative of a protective hand (fingers open wide), so the reversed form may indicate a failed defense.

The middle rune represents a deciding element of the present. Uruz is the name of the Auroch, an extinct prehistoric ox. This animal was strong and brave, and was the focus of rites of manhood in older days. Reversed, this rune symbolizes either the lack of challenge, or the lack of preparation for a challenge. This rune suggests that you must reach deep within in order to gain the power you will need, whether to get out of your current rut, or to face what appears to be a hopeless situation.

The right rune represents the critical element of the future. Sowelu is a strong symbol, for it represents the sun. Unlike equatorial cultures who may see the sun as a harsh and imperial force capable of causing droughts, in the cold north the sun is a purely feminine force that gives life and allows crops to grow. In dark times, this rune represents clarity of sight and the victory of good over evil. Sowelu is irreversible, as the cycles of the sun and seasons are perpetual.

http://www.facade.com/runes/

LOL! The night before Xmas!

2008-12-24T12:08:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine sent this to me... Made me laugh

'Twas the night before christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty, even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse ,dad smoking grass ,I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass. When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter.
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of Hell, I knew in a moment that the fucker had fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart the Son of a Bitch blew the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight:

Piss on you all and have a hell of a night.

Runes Today

2008-12-23T15:26:00.001-05:00

Perthro-

Something hidden comes to light or a secret is disclosed. Look beyond the surface things are not always as they seem. Use your intuition, take a gamble.

An unexpected gain.

Inner transformations. Fate. Unlocking ancestral memory.

Ehwaz- This may well prove to be a good time for travel or perhaps a journey of a different kind. Venturing out with the intention of creating new situations in either your home or work life should bear fruit.

This is also a sign that you are on track, all your efforts are coming to fruition.

Ansuz- Important information will be communicated to you, be aware and alert to it as it may require you to recognize its significance. Seek counsel from your elders, remember wisdom can come through through learning from the experience of others.

This rune is about communication of all kinds including the artistic forms. It also never symbolises the power of words and cautions us to beware that we do not wound or offend with our words.

I usually associate Ansuz with Odin and spiritual information...

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Yggdrasil- The Tree of Life.

2008-12-23T09:31:00.003-05:00

This is an interesting tidbit I found on the Tree of Life in Norse mythology... Speaks of people who ride currents on the tree... ? Interesting as I have had many meditations and dreams that seemed to be centered in one of Yggdrasil's worlds or another... I spent alot of time in Vanaheim. Not because I set out to meditate on Vanaheim, I would just end up there in the woods... Sometimes in a hall, maybe Holda's. I believe I have seen Niflheim, and possibly Muspellheim. I used to meditate and do pathwork ALOT. I felt much more connected back then. I am going to begin pathworking at least a few times a week.... Will keep ya posted.

This is the bit of info I found on "Riding Yggdrasil" in a sense.

Yggdrasil is generally pictured as an ash tree, but this may be human interpretation. On the very top of the tree sits an eagle, Hraesvelg ("Corpse-Eater"), who is actually a wind-giant locked in eagle form. He is very old, of the first generation of Ymir's kin. Winds - or rather, energy currents - blow from his wings, and are controlled by the wind-deer. At the bottom of the tree, crawling back and forth between Helheim and Yggdrasil's exposed root in Niflheim, is the great dragon Nidhogg. She gnaws on Yggdrasil's root, forcing it ever into new growth. Ratatosk, a squirrel-wight whose name means "Teeth That Find", runs up and down the bark of the tree carrying messages (mostly insults) between Hraesvelg and Nidhogg. All three of them do not generally talk to most visitors and are not very approachable.

Four deer run through the upper branches. They are the keepers of the power of the Four winds, and are named Duneyr (Rest), Durathor (Slumber), Dvalin and Dain. Dvalin was once a Duergar, the son of the great Duergar leader Dvalin the Old. Dain was once an Alfar lord. Duneyr and Durathor were both mortals from Midgard. All four agreed to take on the forms of immortal deer and control the winds that blow from world to world.

This does not mean that they necessarily control the atmospheres of the various worlds. However, there are "winds" - currents of energy, really - that "blow" from world to world, and can sweep things and beings with them. Magically skilled folk can learn to "ride" these currents, but attempting to control them for one's own purpose will bring one or more of the Wind Deer down upon you. While they do not engage in combat as such, their control of the winds means that they can sweep you quite literally off of Yggdrasil and into Ginnungagap.

The Guardians of the Four Directions are four Duergar known as Austri, Vestri, Sudri, and Nordri. Actually, it is unknown as to whether they are or ever were actually Duergar, or (more likely) whether they are divine entities who simply take on Duergar form. They are quite capable, and often do, take on other forms as well - elemental spirit-forms, birds, horses, dragons, etc. The Duergar of Nidavellir worship them as gods, and consider them to be divine entities who give the race of Duergar the honor of taking their forms. The four of them can be called on to help out if you have lost your way, as they know all the paths between worlds (and many within worlds) like the backs of their hands. They like to be invoked and poured for at gatherings and workings, but other wise do not require much in the way of offerings.

Runes for today

2008-12-22T20:21:00.002-05:00

Kenaz -A time of clarity when many things will become clear. Enlightenment. From darkness and confusion comes light and realization, now is the time to focus your energies in to breaking through. The future holds good luck and good fortune.

A good time for looking at oneself to gain a greater understanding.

Brings warmth and protection. Kenaz suggests vitality and new energy. An inspirational and creative force that can open new opportunities.

Elhaz -

The things that you have worked so hard for are coming to fruition. New relationships will enrich your life and positive influences are shaping every aspect of your existence.

Even in the heat of battle you are protected, wisdom and vision are your allies.

Perthro-

Something hidden comes to light or a secret is disclosed. Look beyond the surface things are not always as they seem. Use your intuition, take a gamble.

An unexpected gain.

Inner transformations. Fate. Unlocking ancestral memory.

Anyone for a ride?

2008-12-22T19:43:00.002-05:00

So, I have been dreaming alot of my grandmother. This last dream I had was so vivid. I was in my old front yard, but it was bigger somehow, and covered in snow. It was snowing, gently. Soft, flakes landing on my lashes and staying there. Gramma came to me and pointed at the nearest tree. She walked over to it and carved some lines. She hugged me and called me "You always were my little rider of the trees"... I looked at the tree and it was a bindrune. I tried to sketch it when I awoke, but have not been able to get it right. I am hoping to dream of it again. But, until I do... I am curious... "My little rider of the trees"... What do you guys think of this? I have my own thoughts and am doing my own searching... But, what ideas do you have?

An "Old school" Yule...

2008-12-22T14:46:00.002-05:00

So, I spent the better part of the last 3 days in complete darkness. No power. No lights. We sat in darkness on the Solstice and discussed what our ancestors may have felt or done at this time of year. The hardship. The cold. The hunger. It was eye opening. My son Colin sat up and exclaimed "That is why we are celebrating the return of the sun!" I was very proud. The last few days have been very trying. We got a few inches of ice and lost power on Friday Morning around 6am. We have not had power since. We had one small room with a heater, lots of candles, and blankets. All of my food is spoiled... To make matters worse, the Assisted Living community I work at lost power as well. It has been absolutely crazy. But, again... It was an amazing Yule experience, burning our Yule log, and reflecting on why the Sun is so important to us. We also connected more with our ancestors... I had an amazing dream on Friday night... My grandmother again. I am still doing some research, but she called me a name... I will share more later. We JUST got our power back and I need to do some cleaning, shopping, etc. I will catch up more later.

That which is "becoming"

2008-12-18T21:59:00.004-05:00

"Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are."

That is a quote from a favorite "Buffy" episode... quite fitting that the episode is called "Becoming" I was watching a little Buffy tonight and yea, I find inspiration in the strangest places. :) I was so fixated on the title... "becoming". It started me thinking.

So, I sat there for a while, playing with my hair, and then started down this path of thought that took me back to my Vanic witchcraft or Germanic witchcraft days. I started thinking of wyrd and orlog. I began focusing on disir... and eventually settled on the Norns. I am not sure if any of you are familiar with the Norns, but I have been reading a blog lately (SunTiger) and she was speaking of the Norns. I think that brought back some memories. For several reasons, I had abandoned my Germanic path. We were actually in a kindred and there was turbulence and confusion as relationships were made closer and things changed. It is a long and twisted tale, but it led to infidelity and broken hearts. For a long time, I have abandoned almost all aspects of the Germanic path because of the reminders... But, today I am drawn in. Maybe it was speaking of my grandmother, going through those old family photos... Stirring my disir (Disir are defined differently by different heathens, but the way i see it is this: My Disir are my female ancestors, Goddesses in their own right. To honor the disir is to honor the matrons that came before me... as well as many of the lesser Goddesses...)

Maybe it is the approaching holidays. Association with "family time". Perhaps that is why I am feeling drawn in. I am not sure. But, I feel plugged in. Connected. Becoming.

Becoming what, you ask?

I can't wait to find out!

A rune draw for the evening:

Nauthiz- Patience is a virtue. This is not a time to force things - settle back, live in harmony and go with the flow. Delays do not mean failure, be prepared to amend your plans if necessary but only after careful consideration.

Jera- All things in life are cyclical, we can reap only what we sow. We must be prepared to nurture the seeds we plant and give them space and time enough to grow, only then will we enjoy fully the fruits of our labours.

Dagaz- Dagaz reminds us that this is a life of balance - good & evil, dark & light - all extremes have their opposite and it is possible to move from one to the other. This is the rune of transformation, the power which is available to all of us.

I will ponder this one. It makes perfect sense and it is a good reading. Definitely applies. Well, I am off to slumber. I had a really rough day.

If I am lucky, we will het the 4 inches of ICE they are calling for and I won't possibly be able to make it in to work tomorow! ;)

Yule

2008-12-18T15:51:00.002-05:00

So, the solstice is creeping up on me quicker than I expected! We are planning a big night with rites, some good old traditional crafting fun... I think we are going to string popcorn and cranberries by the fire and have a few drinks... I have some spellwork up my sleeve as well!

I am really excited this year and hope for a good yuletide season. We don't have alot of money, but I am hoping it will be a good one, none the less...

I have most of the kids presents wrapped now... I have mentioned before that I run a Dementia care community. I decided to bring the kids presents in and help the residents wrap them. It was awesome! They were all reminiscing about the holiday seasons past and oogling over the toys we had bought for the boys. It was alot of fun! I have had a great day at work so far... and hey, I got my wrapping done! ha. Talk about killing two birds with one stone! ;)

What Holiday drink am I?

2008-12-16T08:53:00.001-05:00

You Are Champagne

Your holiday personality is celebratory.

In other words, you love to drink!

For you, the holidays are a time to let loose and enjoy yourself.

You figure they only happen once a year, so why restrain yourself?

What Holiday Drink Are You?

This is funny, I don't like champagne! But the rest of it is true enough!!! lol

Trials and Tribulations of raising two boys...

2008-12-15T13:20:00.002-05:00

Ugh. So it happened this weekend. I found a link in the history on my computer and my sons have been looking at "adult" websites" As far as I can tell, it only happened once according to the history... Chad and I had to sit down and talk to the boys and it was hard, but we did good. I finally made them their own internet accounts through our Verizon service where I can limit what they can look at... I am very thankful for that! Boy, these are going to be trying times! Colin is 12, thinks he has a girlfriend and we have decided to tighten up his reigns. ALOT... Funny story though... They mispelled "boobs" and "ass" on their searches, so at least they didn't get too far! lol

I don't even know how I am going to live through raising 2 teeenage boys!

On Keys, Journeys, and Family

2008-12-15T10:51:00.005-05:00

So, I had another dream about a key. This time, my grandma, was holding it and calling out to me. My grandma is still alive, but has Alzheimer's. It was so vivid. I could see her, smell her, feel her there with me. She had the key and whispered words to me that I couldn't make out...

The next morning I called to check on her. My grandfather said she wanted to talk to me! She got on the phone and began speaking on her marriage and her kids. She has been married almost 65 years! Unbelievable. She kept bringing up my grandfather. I asked her how they did it... 65 years. She said " I did it for the children, honey" She told me of many times where she wished she could leave or "kill" ( I hope she was joking) my grandpa, but that she held it together for the kids because they were more important! It was a beautiful conversation. She spoke almost as a drill Sargent at times. Kept repeating to "Hang in there". And to work it out. Funny thing is, I hadn't mentioned any turbulence in my marriage. She had no idea, and yet I saw her in my dream holding that key I was desperately looking for and then sat listening as she urged me to hang in there...

Later that same day, my mom came over to watch the kids so Chad and I could go Xmas shopping. (I hate shopping this time of year!) Anyway, she came to the door lugging this huge Rubbermaid box and thunked it down in front of me. I opened it and on top was a pic of Gramma and me... I started crying. It was a huge box of pictures in frames of my life. My past, my ancestors, of me, baby me, toddler me, teenager me, my sis, my mom and dad... It rushed back all of these feelings and it made me realize that life is really hard. Like Gramma said, tough times will happen. But, you keep it together for the kids. My parents were happy way back when. My mom and dad split when I was 22. It was horrible even at 22 to go through that. I will never make my children go through that. Nothing is worth causing them pain. NOTHING. I had a long talk with my mom, family, and very close friends and they all reiterated what Gramma had said. It was a bit odd, Some of my friends had definitely been leaning one way... But, they felt that all things considered, this was my path. I have a great bunch of family and friends...

It was an interesting weekend. Full of intriguing dreams, old wedding dresses, antique boxes, pictures, and keys... My journey has changed. How my grandmother managed to come out of her confused state to send me a message so loud and clear... A blessing, I suppose. I miss her so much. I get to go and visit in a few weeks. I can't wait to hug her and hold her and Thank her.

Key

2008-12-06T18:04:00.002-05:00

Main Entry:

Pronunciation:
\ˈkē\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English, from Old English cǣg; akin to OldFrisian kēi key
Date:
before 12th century

1 a: a usually metal instrument by which the bolt of a lock is turned
b: any of various devices having the form or function of such a key

2 a: a means of gaining or preventing entrance, possession, or control
b: an instrumental or deciding factor

3 a: something that gives an explanation or identification or provides a solution
b: a list of words or phrases giving an explanation of symbols or abbreviations
c: an aid to interpretation or identification : clue
d: an arrangement of the salient characters of a group of plants or animals or of taxa designed to facilitate identification e: a map legend

4 a (1): cotter pin (2): cotter
b: a keystone in an arch
c: a small piece of wood or metal used as a wedge or for preventing motion between parts

5 a: one of the levers of a keyboard musical instrument that actuates the mechanism and produces the tones
b: a lever that controls a vent in the side of a woodwind instrument or a valve in a brass instrument
c: a part to be depressed by a finger that serves as one unit of a keyboard

6: samara

7: a system of tones and harmonies generated from a hierarchical scale of seven tones based on a tonic

8 a: characteristic style or tone
b: the tone or pitch of a voice
c: the predominant tone of a photograph with respect to its lightness or darkness

9: a decoration or charm resembling a key

10: a small switch for opening or closing an electric circuit

11: the set of instructions governing the encipherment and decipherment of messages

12: a free-throw area in basketball

2 Two words survey -

2008-12-06T17:22:00.002-05:00

2 words NO MORE NO LESS can be used... Have fun and try not to use the same answers as the person before you...

1. Where is your cell phone? .................. in pocket

2. Your significant other?......................... significantly "other"

3. Your hair? ........................................ Black mess

4. Your mother?..................................... co dependent

5. Your father?........................................... ass hole

6. Your favorite thing?............................... simple peace

7. Your dream last night?......................... damned doors

8. Your favorite drink? ................................ spiced rum

9. Your dream/goal?............................... happy me

10. The room you're in?............................. cold lonely

11. Your fear?.......................................... missing out

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?..... loving life

13. Where were you last night?....................... not sleeping

14. What you're not?...................................... cold hearted

15. Muffin?................................................. chocolate chip

16. One of your wish list items?.............. lap top

17. Where you were born?....................... Kankakee Illinois

18. The last thing you did?...................... kissed kid

19. What are you wearing?....................... some clothes

20. Your TV?............................................. running hot

21. Your pet(s)?....................................... Oh Jack!

22. Your computer? ................................... fucked up

23. Your life?..................................... missing something

24. Your mood?................................. keyed up

25. Missing someone?........................ very much

26. Your car/truck?............................ not mine

27. Something you're not wearing?.............. under wear. (okay, sorry... that was too tempting. I am wearing undies!) How about Grandmas ring

28. Favorite Store?............................... Barnes Noble

29. Your summer?................................ new job

30. Like someone?.............................. hell yes

31. Your favorite color?..................... mood dependent

32. Last time you laughed?.................. just now

Weird shit...

2008-12-05T18:29:00.002-05:00

Get this. In my dream, I was digging, looking for something at the door yelling "lycra" or "why kill" I couldn't quite make it out. Well, I did some research and this is what I found.

lykill (pl. luklar and lyklar), m. key.

It is Icelandic. Which to me makes sense. There is history there... Some day,I shall share more. Know this. It is extremely significant. I will be thinking more on it.

Dreams last night.

2008-12-05T08:15:00.003-05:00

I dreamt of the sea again last night. Gods, the wind was cold and brutal. It whirled my dress all over. I was not alone. We tried to hang on in the wind and started down a slope, a path of some kind toward a hall in the distance. The lights were on, It looked warm and so inviting as a refuge form the blustery windstorm. We headed toward the door and we stopped. I started to dig a hole, with my bare hands... The earth was frozen, I clawed at it with my fingers until they were bloody. Then, I sat down and cried, tears, frozen tears like little beadsof ice fell to the ground. I raised my fist to the Gods and cried out some crazy word It sounded like "why krell" or "lycra" lol... Maybe I was looking for my stretch pants!

Then, I started dreaming about my grandfathers house, I was there with Chad, my husband and we were cleaning out the house. I found alot of old bread... Seriously old, like months expired, butit wasn't moldy. I remember thinking... I would eat it. lol. Then, Chad yelled at me to get in the car and started berrating me why I had rented a movie on Netflix. Told me I had a "porn" addiction and that I needed help? I kept tellinghim I had rented "Dan in Real Life"... He said, "Yea, in real life, Dan is a whore too!"....

Whatever! My head had a busy night.

Lack of sleep again... and a little "That's what you get!"

2008-12-05T08:05:00.002-05:00

I have been sleeping very little. I have had so much on my mind and if I even began to try and explain it here on this page, I would most likely run out of room and possibly bore many of you to tears. However, it would intrigue a few... Anyway, Just having some personal issues and again I am questioning myself in so so many ways. BIG ways. Honesty with myself has never come easy. I think I lived most of my life lying to myself to please my Dad... He was a bit manipulaitve and crazy... (That is REALLY an understatement! lol) Anyway, I think I learned at a very young age to cover up my own feelings at the expense of others. It was jsut easier that way. Now, I am 34 and I am thinking that this may not be the way in which I want to live the rest of my life. Is this making any fucking sense? Anyway, I know I am supposed to be proud to be "me". And I seriously know i am in here somewhere... For the most part, I am who I am... But then I wear all these oter hats to please others. So, a bit of honesty for today. Baby steps... In my profile, It says how I love to play Halo3. I even have my Xbox gamer card on this page. Not true. I really don't enjoy Halo. I don't necessarily enjoy the Xbox much either. My husband does and in an effort to do something "with" him, I adopted it as a semi-hobby. So, I will leave it on my profile a bit longer, just so those of you that read my crazy ramblings can see that I am not full of shit. And then, I remove it. 1 thing at a time. Sorta like a strip tease! lol... Just one item at a time, I reveal who I am. Who I REALLY am...

Paramore-
That's what you get...

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, to take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt, so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why?
All the possibilities...
Well I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa...
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why? All the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa..
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

Pain, make your way to me. (to me)
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start... Start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

My heart runs my show on a daily basis and I let it down alot, to try and make others happy. But, still I have been singing this all morning and it made me grin.

So So Sleepy

2008-12-02T14:08:00.002-05:00

I barely slept last night. I kept hearing noises. I had my fan on, but it sounded like someone or something was banging on my door downstairs. I couldn't tell if it as the front door or back and I was paralyzed each time I woke up to hear banging. I laid there trying to breathe, my heart pounding in my throat. I was so disoriented. I laid there thinking if I hid under my covers it would just go away. I would slowly doze off and then awaken to the thudding again. I swear I could even hear the chain lock and the windows rattle. I did finally get out of bed and look out the windows. No cars, no tracks in the snow, no shadows, just nothing to explain it.

I had to report for jury duty this morning. Fun. Thank goodness there were police officers involved in this trial and once I stated that my mom's husband was a cop and an abusive s.o.b. ... Well, they excused me! :)

Wolves at my door.... Senses Fail

2008-12-01T20:54:00.001-05:00

I have my iPod on "random" This song played 3 times today.

Last night I found heaven
It's on the tip of my tongue
And it reminded me of
All the times I was young

I'm catching rain in my open mouth
I used to smile till the day I found out
I have no idea who the hell I've become
It's not who I was, it's not who I love

I want to drown, in a sea filled with novacaine
I want to burn, on a beach where the sand
Has thousands of needles poking at my skin

I lie in bed to the sound, of the wolves at my door
They are speaking in tongues
While they claw at my floor

I never thought it would come to this
I'm more yellow than my own piss

They're making rounds
Just to even the score
Just open the door
Just open the door

I want to drown, in a sea filled with novacaine
I want to burn, on a beach where the sand
Is littered with razor blades
Littered with razor blades
Blades
Littered with razor blades

I can't hold on, the path is clear
I can't ignore, what's been building for years
There's wolves at the door, I won't hide here in fear
Wolves at the door
Aaaaaah

I look at myself and the things that I've done
Stare away from the mirror and right into the sun
I forgive myself for all of my mistakes
When will I learn, when will I, when will I burn?

I want to drown, in a sea filled with Novocaine
I want to burn, on a beach where the sand
Is littered with razor blades

I gave up on myself a long time ago
To the black clouds I'm swallowed
And spit me out whole

Some times it feels like I'm losing my soul
At least that means
I still have a soul after all

On the Season...

2008-12-01T20:31:00.003-05:00

Today, I awoke on December 1st, to the sight of large, wet snowflakes. The earth is covered in this white, fluffy blanket. She is asleep. Asleep and dreaming of the sun. Just like me. She is asleep and dreaming of days with lush greenery, warm gentle breezes, and beautiful flowers. She dreams of the Sun and awaits his return. Night has invaded and brought the cold with it. I shiver, but she is warm, nestled under her blanket. She rests. And plans. I wonder what beautiful scenery she has in store for us?

Traditional Swedish Pepparkakor

2008-12-01T20:28:00.001-05:00

INGREDIENTS

* 3 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
* 2 teaspoons baking soda
* 1 teaspoon cinnamon
* 1 teaspoon ground cloves
* 1 teaspoon ground ginger
* 1 teaspoon ground cardamom
* 1 cup butter
* 1 cup white sugar
* 1/2 cup brown sugar, packed
* 1 egg, beaten
* 2 tablespoons dark corn syrup

DIRECTIONS

1. Sift the flour together with the baking soda, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and cardamom in a mixing bowl.
2. Beat the butter together with the white and brown sugars in a mixing bowl until light and fluffy. Mix in the egg and corn syrup until smooth. Gradually stir in the flour mixture until evenly blended. Divide the dough into 4 equal portions and wrap tightly each with plastic wrap. Refrigerate at least 1 hour, or overnight.
3. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Lightly grease baking sheets.
4. Using 1 portion at a time, work on a floured surface and roll out dough to 1/8 inch thick. Cut into shapes with cookie cutter, and place 1 inch apart on prepared baking sheets.
5. Bake in preheated oven until set, about 5 minutes. Cool completely. Store in tightly covered tins.

Thankful Shmankful

2008-11-28T09:19:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a busy day. I actually slept in though which was nice! I didn't get up til 9 and I was supposed to start the turkey at 7... Whoops! I got the bird going and started on the rest of the feast and worked my little ass off until around 3. I got to chill for a bit then and watch some TV and take a quick snooze. In the midst of all this I got a call from my mom. She is still in a behavioral health hospital. She is in an abusive relationship and instead of making the choice to leave, she has decided to lean on pharmaceuticals to get her through. She is abusing Vicodin, Xanax, Benadryl... anything that will make her sleep so she does not have to face life. Anyway, she called to tell me she was being discharged tomorrow (which is now today). She said she was going to go live with her sister in Illinois, which made me ecstatic. We all made the necessary arrangements. I went about my day. I finished my din din and had our best friends over for a feast. We sat down to eat, said what we were thankful for... among my thanksgivings was the fact that my mom was getting back on track. I took my first bite of turkey and the phone rang. Mom again. Only this time to tell me that she was going to go home instead. That her dickhead was going to stay at a friends but she wasn't ready to leave him... (Insert vomiting sound here) Then, she said the weirdest thing. She told me that she had a headache all day and she was feeling better now since "some nice lady" gave her a "VICODIN"... I hung up, ignored the whole conversation and went about my evening. We did have a great time... Who knew "turkey gobbler" would wind up being so freaking funny. We laughed, we ate, we drank, and we watched the punkin chunkin on discovery channel. It was awesome. Brenda and I both passed out!

This morning, after thinking about it... I called my mom's nurse and told her what my mom had said last night about the vicodin... I started to fear maybe someone had given her one. A visitor? a patient? How about her manipulative fuckhead of a husband with one last ditch effort to try and make her stay? Who gave her that damned pill? And why? I can't imagine it was ordered! Who would prescribe narcotics for a recovering addict?

Consonants and Vowels...

Fairy Tales

Fairy Tales

Ugh

Gotta droid!

Hahahah, that is the truth...

Missing

Funny Stuff....

Elated but exhausted

A common bird lyrics- Ane Brun (written by Wendy McNeill)

Hey You.

Deity- song in my head

Still nothing

Nothing

Busy, Busy

Full Moon Fever

Frustrated

Clarification:

Date Night

Dream last night

You're so Last Summer.... Taking Back Sunday

One rune...

139 in a friend's dream

TEA?

So Tired

My thoughts for Samhain

Just a glimmer

Runes Drawn today

Okay, Universe

Should have gone with the girls

The Moon and all it's glory

My dreams for the night...

Mornings...Schmornings.

Out with the boys...

Runes this am

Runes for tonight...

E - Gads and new glasses...

Runes of the day...

Last night

Excerpt- On the radio... Regina

My rune draw- per computer... :)

Overkill... Men at work. I have heard this song twice today... It fits I guess.

Upon finding Nauthiz

Defined

stu⋅pid

2 lines

Nauthiz

ConstraintNecessityPain

Oy... Whatever

Shitty Day

Feeling Sappy...

On a ride

Settling in

Thunderstorms and Coffee

A-hem

New Hair

Under the Depths...2

From the depths... An excerpt of a book I started

Been Tagged-- By SunTiger

Soaking in the sun

From Raindrops.. to under the weather

Dodging the Rain Drops

Enjoying the SUN!

Here we go...

Best Day Ever

Imbolc

Whoa! I am actually here! lol

Imbolc.

Who needs air- The Classic Crime

Children's worry spell

Kuh-rah-TAY

White HELL

A "Buffy" Good Time

Mercury Retrograde - Time to Back-up and Reconsider

Recovering from the weekend...

Eihwaz Meditation

As the moon waxes...

Full Moon Cakes!!!!

Moon Cakes Recipe

Serious?

Constraint
Necessity
Pain